I am CuTRis

We took our son to Sea Life Minnesota for his birthday.

Seriously? 59 servings? You couldn't throw another spoon in and make it 60???

Happy Birthday to my son. Daddy loves you!

A scent inspired by my left buttock , Draw Breeze is an aroma you will not soon forget! Available in fine dollar stores everywhere!

CuTRis Decides to let Authorities Pound Data Thieves UnAssociated Press December 19, 2013 After learning that the thieves who stole credit card data, from 40 million Target shoppers could be dangerous , CuTRis has vowed to let the authorities pound the thieves.

CuTRis Vows to Pound Target Data Thieves UnAssociated Press December 19, 2013 After learning that his credit card data, along with 40 million others may have been stolen while shopping at Target, CuTRis vowed to pound the thieves for such a dastardly crime! CuTRis went on to clarify, that he would deliver the beatings personally unless the thieves were big... or if they carried guns or weapons or if they were "like really tough or something."

"I never thought it was such a bad little tree..."

The band hadn't gotten together for a couple of weeks... um... about a month and last evening we jammed. It was great fun--even though Dave broke a string!

 

I just love my Pandora Bracelet ! With its gaudy colors and overall "bigness," it is the "perfect" gift this Holiday Season!

In order to get the Minnesota Vikings to win, you first should get rid of the first-string and replace them with the second and third string players. That way you can have a team that can beat another team that is supposed to be better .

CuTRis Seen Using Fake Sign Language UnAssociated Press December 13, 2013 CuTRis was recently sighted at a funeral for some guy from Passaic , using fake sign language . "This was extremely embarrassing," said some guy at the funeral who had come for the free lunch. "I just can't believe someone would do something like that!" He commented between mouthfuls. CuTRis was unavailable for comment. Meaning: I have an invisible basketball.   Meaning: I can see you but you can't see me.  

CuTRis Safe: Victim of Slow RDP Connection UnAssociated Press December 12, 2013 News today confirms that CuTRis is safe and was never lost in Colorado. Apparently he was the victim of a very slow RDP connection . CuTRis seemed unaware of the massive search that had been going on for him and said that in fact, he was nowhere near Colorado—though he had been working on a server in another state which was amazingly slow. The remote connection had interfered with his email connection and essentially he was lost to the outside world for quite some time. CuTRis said he was able to survive the ordeal by eating snacks from his desk drawer and drinking tea. When asked if he was reluctant to remote into another distant SQL server , CuTRis said he was ready to deploy as needed.

Aerial Search Continues for CuTRis UnAssociated Press December 12, 2013 CuTRis has still not been found. Video from a search helicopter shows the rough terrain over which the search is taking place.

CuTRis May Be Lost in Wilderness UnAssociated Press December 12, 2013 CuTRis is assumed to be lost somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Not much is known except that he is thought to be Northwest of Gunnison, Colorado.

Jacqueline Upturd was a nobody really. She had connections through her mother who had also been a nobody—until she was cast on a TV sitcom in the ‘60’s. Through those connections Jacqueline had become a writer. Now she fancied herself a celebrity and she liked to use social media to tweet out her sarcastic and conceited views. Many people seemed to think that Jacqueline was very beautiful. That was probably due to her gigantic teeth; which gave her quite a unique smile. The smile that so inspired her fans, looked similar to how a constipated horse might look just prior to a massive bowel movement. Jacqueline Upturd loved herself more than she could ever love anyone else—which could be why she had decided never to get married. On the other hand, she was just plain ill-tempered—so maybe no one had ever asked her. Driving in her vintage 1970, Chevy Caprice, she liked to crane her neck—and scowl at people who looked like they were happy or in love. Sometimes she envisioned running th...

I saw the homeless man I wrote about last week again this morning. This time it was -7 Fahrenheit (-21.67 Celsius). He was moving slightly under his blankets. I saw him the other day after the snow. He was out in about 3 degrees shoveling the sidewalk in front of the businesses on Rice Street where he lives. This is no ordinary street bum.

I only look like I'm asleep...

  Saturday was the 7 th of December and this sign says that coffee is free on every 7 th ! Well guess what? They don't actually give you free coffee on the 7th!!! What you ask??? No! Apparently, you have to buy 6 coffees and then they will give you a free one...

http://kstp.com/article/stories/S3236993.shtml?cat=1

Nelson Mandela has died at age 95. Thanks for a long life well lived.

I used to go to Twin Cities Reptiles (and before that the Pet Dragon ) frequently back when I kept small reptiles and amphibians for pets. I had not replenished my animals for many years and after many more years, the last of my pets passed on and I "went out of business." The store is now in St. Paul and I visited there recently with my wife and son—because my boy likes to "go see animals!"

CuTRis will now attempt the 30 meter right click .

I went to deposit some money in my son's bank account. I now know what the US in US Bank stands for; U nbelievably S low! But in their defence, they have a guy who stands around and says "hi" to you. I don't see that he does much else and another teller would be preferable.

This little guy is my nephew. http://minnesota.cbslocal.com/video/9599965-mom-takes-on-hmong-culture-for-bone-marrow-donor-for-son/

This morning after I dropped my son off at his grandparents' house, I drove down the icy road to Rice Street where sure enough, the man who lives on the sidewalk by the hardware store, was wrapped up in blankets like a mummy. He was lying on the sidewalk next to a shopping cart heaped full of his belongings. It was 8 degrees Fahrenheit (-13.33 Celsius). Ten years ago I had the experience of working in social services with drug addicts and I became familiar with the tragedy of poverty and addiction. One thing I learned from the men who often slept outside in our frigid Minnesota winters, is that most of them no longer have toes. It's not something you would think about or probably know if you sleep in a bed in a house. These are not aliens from another world, they are people like us. They have problems, often mental illness and often they self-medicate and abuse alcohol and drugs and even substances that no one would normally ingest or inject—all to make it through the next...

Dear Santa, I would like an F-35 Lightning II for Christmas. Please make sure it is fully loaded and ready to go. Thanks Santa! Kevin

I’m talking to a tech from a large client that hosts and manages their own version of our product. He is having much difficulty and I spend way too much time with him—in spite of the fact that they have no service contract. I say I will need to defer the situation to my supervisor since I have spent a lot of time and they have “limited service.” He doesn’t like that. He tells me that if he buys a muffler for his car and it doesn’t work right he can go back to the place where he got it and they will fix it (i.e. I should do that too). I tell him that what he said is true—unless he installs the muffler himself (which is essentially what he has done with our product). Then I defer to my boss for further instructions.

For some time now, I’ve been wondering why people still use professional photographers . Certainly most of them probably do a good job, but with the current technology it seems that taking a quality picture is easier than ever. That said, there are still a lot of people who for some reason can’t take good pictures. Maybe in this case there is a need to pay someone to do it for you. I don’t have expensive or fancy camera equipment and I don’t think that using a $900 camera will insure that you get good results. For me, it is all about capturing the moment—which necessitates my having a small camera that is easy to carry. When my son was born we declined the services of a professional photographer at the hospital—yet we have some amazing photographs. Among my favorites is one of our newborn baby sleeping in the sunshine from a window. In this picture he looks like an angel and no props or artificial lighting could have made it any better—or as good. This summer I attended an event th...

Get this... Createspace (where I make my paperback books) is an Amazon company. But somehow, Amazon is selling the book(s) cheaper than Createspace is. If people buy through Amazon (and why shouldn't they?), I get next-to-nothing for a royalty--where if they buy it from Createspace (and pay more), I get much more. I believe the "machine" is designed to make money. Unfortunately it is also designed so that I (the author) don't make any. Thank you Amazon for selling my books. Thanks a lot Amazon, for making sure I don't make any money from book sales. Just an FYI -- between fees, minimum amounts and creative pricing/royalty policies, I have yet to be paid for any of my book sales. But to be fair, if I ever sell millions of copies, some of that money will eventually trickle down to me! It's a good thing that I'm not in it for the money! -KJC

Grayson's Adventure (also on Amazon) is on track to outsell all my other books! I have plans to write more children's stories in the future.

CuTRis Tops Miley in Bizarre AMA Performance UnAssociated Press November 25, 2013 CuTRis Sings, "Fixing Sock" CuTRis has topped Miley Cyrus for bizarre perfomances at the American Music Awards . CuTRis sang his hit, "Fixing Sock" while a giant animated dog was behind him.   Miley Cyrus Sings, "Wrecking Ball"

I liked the show when I was a kid and I still do now--but there is something I don't understand. When was Gilligan ever a "mighty sailing man?"

By Kevin J. Curtis Synopsis Kevin, Larry and Dave are all working at their computers; miles away from each other. Each one is getting hungrier as the morning goes on! Luckily, they have snack s in their desk drawers! In a fight to the life, each one must compete against their own hunger to survive! Yes, it doesn't get any more exciting than this! Watch as Larry downs a handful of Craisins ! See Kevin eat several Triscuits ! Watch as Dave ... where is Dave? Huh? Oh... OK... I guess Dave went out for a smoke... The Hungry Games will have you on the edge of your seat!    

I can't deny the popularity of The Hunger Games , but then I don't understand why people like vampire stories or Rap music either. But seriously... if there really was a Hunger Games contest, what would the winner really look like?  Not Realistic   More Likely Has anyone made a spoof of the Hunger Games ?

By Kevin J. Curtis Fuctor Ramirez Arguayo Johnson was a happy man with no maladjustments—except for his insane, irrational fear of butterflies. The fear developed when Fuctor was a mere child; after his cousin Hector was killed by a rabid butterfly on the fourth of July. It was a gruesome scene. There were ninety-seven butterfly fang marks in Hector’s body when they found him. Married to his sister’s cousin at the age of seventeen, Fuctor became a father by the time he was sixteen years old. After people had been telling him that he should become a doctor for the last twenty years, at the age of nineteen, Fuctor ran away with the circus to become a chicken tamer. That was when disaster struck. Fuctor fell into the company of renowned, master chicken wranglers, Kent, David and Tommy. The three were known for their bravery around farm animals; and they abhorred the use of firearms. Egged on by the trio before he was ready to perform, Fuctor was badly gored by a wild chicken befo...

As it gets darker for more of the day I have noticed black forms--barely distinguishable running across the roadways. Pedestrian s are literally risking their lives by running in front of moving vehicles. A significant number of people are killed in these accidents each year--which could be avoided if more care was taken. Yesterday I returned from the grocery store as it was growing dark when five people ran across a busy intersection in front of my car and lots of other traffic behind me. We in the cars had the green light and had been waiting to go. Now, a mass of traffic nearly bumped together and inched forward as more and more stupid people ran across the road to board a bus on the other side. It would be unbelievable--except I know how ridiculously dumb some people can be sometimes.

 Click picture to enlarge - click "back" to go back. https://www.createspace.com/4526504 Also on Amazon

George Zimmerman is in trouble for pointing a gun at someone... AGAIN! NOW ... he is not supposed to have guns. Wow! Did it take a scientist to finally figure this out? Some people shouldn't be allowed to have guns because they might use them when they lose their trigger happy tempers!!!

Yes, CuTRis wins again!

Grayson's Adventure! is a story that I wrote for my son. If you have a toddler who likes books, you may want to take a look at this book that is just in time for Christmas! Click on the title to see more. While looking for something to do, Grayson shrinks down to the size of an ant! To get home he needs to count to ten and recite the alphabet!

In case your wood is too slow...

I'm working on a children's book for my son for a Chistmas present. It will be available soon for $5.50 in paperback.

Roman Yogurt Defeats Greek Yogurt UnAssociated Press November 14, 2013 In a violent taste test today, Roman Yogurt has defeated Greek Yogurt in an all-out battle of the taste bud s. Just how this will affect yogurt snobs around the globe is yet unknown. The UnAssociated Press asked Yogurt from Star Wars for a comment on the battle and he said, "Dumb you are for thinking my name is Yogurt!"

If you do an Internet search for, "the guy who ruined the Doobie Brothers ," you will find information about Michael McDonald . Sorry Mike, but it is true...

Borg Making Cars Now UnAssociated Press November 11, 2013 Most people may know about the Borg and the giant spaceships they use called Borg Cube s, but did you know they now produce cars?  The UnAssociated Press has obtained this photo of the new Borg Cube Car !  

Isn't it ironic that a guy named, "Incognito" is creating so much attention for harassment ? From what I understand, it is hard to be Incognito in the NFL right now ...

Pigs Seen Flying Over Frozen Hell UnAssociated Press November 8, 2013 The UnAssociated Press has learned that pigs were seen flying over a frozen Hell this morning! In other news, the Vikings won their game against the Washington Red Skins !

CuTRis got really Hungary, So he used a Ukraine to lift a giant Canada beans. Because he had no can opener, he dropped the can from the Ukraine and it bounced to the Netherlands. It rolled into the ocean and washed up on England. A car driving on the left side of the road swerved--it's horn sounding "Aruba!" CuTRis was really hungry so he ate some Chile. Frustrated, he threw an Estonia into the ocean and thought about the chocolate Malta he had yesterday with that Turkey sandwich. He got himself a glass of water with Iceland. He Kuwait until dinner!

Homemade Larry Trap Trapping Larry can be an enjoyable hobby for people of all ages! Here is a simple and humane trap that I designed to catch my former coworker Larry. By using a recycling bucket balanced on a pen, I've attached a string to the pen so I can pull the pen away and drop the bucket on Larry when he goes to get the Craisins . If you have lots of Craisins, you can keep letting Larry go after you catch him and do this everyday!

 CuTRis Discovers Ancient Artifacts UnAssociated Press November 5, 2013  Renowned explorer, CuTRis has discovered some amazing ancient artifacts . Apparently CuTRis found these artifacts along some railroad tracks . The full implications of this new discovery are not yet known--though CuTRis said he believes it will be historic!  CuTRis believes this to be a body ornament of some kind--possibly a nose piercing.      CuTRis says this device was likely used by hunters and attached to prey to slow it down.

To all Disc Jockey's and radio stations, I like nothing more than to hear some dumbass talk incessantly about nothing even remotely important during both the beginnings and endings of songs. It is not at all annoying when you do that--so keep up the good work. Thanks, Kevin

CuTRis Injured Before Game: Unable To Play UnAssociated Press November 4, 2013 Star quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings , CuTRis , was injured prior to the game on Sunday with the Dallas Cowboys. Apparently as CuTRis was "suiting up," he was accidentally trodden on by 343 lb. teammate, Phil Loadholt . CuTRis was unable to stand under his own power for seven hours--and by then the game was over and the Vikings had already lost. Currently the team has no plan to sign CuTRis for another game--citing " durability " as the primary reason.

It seems that much lip service is given to how the different cultures don't agree on many things, so I wanted to point out that sometimes they do! Some of our newer immigrants and minority groups may have different customs, religious beliefs, etc., but after giving out candy for Halloween last evening, I can see that there seems to be an agreement that ringing someone's doorbell (3 or 7 times) and receiving free candy is agreed on by nearly everyone! Some of the people were older teens and perhaps even adults--many without costumes! Yet all of them were happy to come to my house and ask for candy. Halloween certainly has a way of bringing us all together! In fact, some of the older teens enjoyed the experience so much that they would shift position and then complain that they had not yet received any candy; when of course they had. So trick-or-treating isn't just for the little kids as I once thought. It is for grown-up or nearly grown-up people too! I will have to...

CuTRis Criticized for being Critical UnAssociated Press November 1, 2013 CuTRis was criticized today, for being critical, by a critically acclaimed critic. When asked about it, CuTRis said that "no one likes to receive criticism, but sometimes it is necessary--especially if it is over something critical." No one knew what this meant, so CuTRis wrote a critique for the UnAssociated Press--calling them a bunch of "critical ass-wipes." This in turn led to CuTRis being criticized, for being critical--by yet another critically acclaimed critic.

 CuTRis Looks Good After Football Practice UnAssociated Press October 31, 2013 CuTRis is Ready After only one practice with the Minnesota Vikings , new quarterback CuTRis says he is ready! "The team seems optimistic," said CuTRis , "and today's practice felt good! I think I'm ready for Sunday."  

On this Halloween I'd like to wish everyone a fun and safe holiday. For anyone who chooses to use this day for evil, I challenge you to use your creative mind to put yourself or someone you love in the scenario you are plotting. If you cannot because you have never loved anyone or anything, then you are already worse off than everyone else. So be nice, have fun and make someone smile today! A spooky skeleton I found!

Vikings Announce New Quarterback UnAssociated Press October 30, 2013   CuTRis is New Quarterback For those who have wondered whether Josh Freeman, Christian Ponder or Matt Cassel will be playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings against the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday, the team has announced that CuTRis has just signed a $14 contract to become the first-string quarterback for the next game! If CuTRis manages to win against Romo and the Cowboys, he has the option to sign on for another game with a guaranteed $15 paycheck! Can CuTRis turn this team around? "He played Jr. high school football," said Coach Leslie Frazier, "so we're pretty confident that he is as good as anybody on the roster." We shall see on Sunday if this is the key to turning this team around... or not...

Minnesota Vikings Lose Again UnAssociated Press October 29, 2013 The Minnesota Vikings football team has lost again today; in a rare midweek loss. Though there was no game and no opponent, the Vikings still managed to lose in the 4 th quarter by a score of 753 to 6. Several players said they could have played better and coach Frazier said he puts the blame on himself--but all think they can still turn their pathetic season around. What a great time it is for Vikings owners , to expect the state of Minnesota and fans to pay for their new stadium so that they can make lots more money! Go Vikings ! Your 1-15 season is all but in the bag!

Emergency vehicles weaving through traffic on I94 West   A bad way to start your morning. Bad picture I know but that was a long line of cars smashed together end to end  

CuTRis in Another Scandal UnAssociated Press October 28, 2013 In another of his many scandals , this photo of CuTRis shows that he was yet again, disobeying a sign. When asked about this CuTRis replied that State land is owned by the resident s of the state; and therefore he was accessing his own land.

I use those signals at the pedestrian crossing s and I want to go on record, that I only push the button once . I know most people feel that they need to push the button 13 or 14 times and that maybe it will go faster if you push it 19 times--but I have found that it works fine when you push it once. Likewise elevators stop on my floor when I push the button for them once. In fact, working with computers has taught me that pushing buttons multiple times before the request has been executed can lead to trouble!

CuTRis May Have Been Eaten by Fish UnAssociated Press October 25, 2013  CuTRis was back in the news today with this Police Dash Cam image that was taken while CuTRis was riding on the front of a police cruiser . Why CuTRis was riding on the front of the car is still unknown; but this video clearly shows that a giant, flying Northern Pike is about to eat him! Could this be the end of CuTRis ? No one seems to know if CuTRis was eaten or not. The police officer driving the car that CuTRis was on, has been temporarily placed on administrative leave while an investigation is being conducted.  Police Dash Cam Image

I was always amused by the stories of the larger than life Bandito s. There was one in an old Ortega commercial that was really good. Here is one (or part of one) I made up years ago to amuse myself and my friend Dave .

I just stopped by the bank to cash a $5 check. You still have to go through the whole thing of giving them your account number and then keying in your PIN number --even if it is only for $5. When all of that important stuff was finished, the teller asked me if I just wanted a $5 bill. Quickly I thought of all of the various ways I could get my money--such as two ones, four quarters, ten dimes, nineteen nickles and five pennies! But instead I told her that I would actually like a $20 bill. She said she couldn't give me one so I replied that in that case a $5 bill would be fine. Apparently you can't get a $20 bill if your check is only worth $5. I tried but it didn't work.

CuTRis Failed as Opera Singer UnAssociated Press October 23, 2013 A video surfaced today, of CuTRis singing an Opera excerpt. Some people might recognize the song, but probably not the words. Apparently CuTRis made them up--while auditioning for the Metropolitan Opera . One critic said that CuTRis could be a big star if he only tried. "I sing when I want to," said CuTRis . Some say CuTRis doesn't take his music seriously. When asked about this accusation, CuTRis stuck his tongue out. Needless to say, CuTRis failed the audition when he changed the words of the song--ruining the chance for opera fans everywhere to see him showcase his talents.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that English may be the second language of the person who made this sign...

Our first stop on the way up to Lake Mille Lacs was the Milaca Unclaimed Freight store. After that we drove to the Twin Pines Resort for lunch. Aside from the first batch of chicken coming to the table still raw, it was OK. Then we toured the Mille Lacs Indian Museum . We had a nice room at the Garrison Inn and that evening we ate at the The Lonesome Pine Restaurant . The food was good--except for the "garlic pasta" that I had as a side. I thought that a restaurant that had a lot of Italian food might have something more interesting and flavorful than half a cup of spaghetti in olive oil and garlic. It was pretty bad (my son even refused to eat any and he usually likes noodles)--though my Maple-glazed Salmon was good (my son liked it too). The prices were pretty high considering it is in Deerwood, MN--but I must admit that the place was packed on this Thursday night. The next morning we proceeded to go clockwise around Lake Mill Lacs. We walked along the lakeshore on th...

From the motel window this morning...

We went to the Mille Lacs Indian Museum today. As with many paid admission museums, the admission price vs. what you see will probably have you asking, "that's it?" The Four Seasons Room (by tour guide only) was the one outstanding feature and I have included pictures of that room.  

CuTRis Downgrades Credit Ratings of Standard & Poor and Fitch UnAssociated Press October 16, 2013 Early today, CuTRis was seen downgrading the credit ratings of both Standard & Poor's and Fitch . He was changing their scores with a purple crayon . While onlookers thought it was a joke , the stock market has apparently taken CuTRis' scores of F-C+D 2 seriously.

Over the weekend, my son was seen running with wild dogs ...

Reason for CuTRis Chicken Suit Revealed UnAssociated Press October 11, 2013 The reason that CuTRis was wearing a chicken suit was finally revealed today. Apparently while working for a local chicken processing plant , CuTRis was teaching the chickens to die on command. As you can imagine, this would save the plant thousands of dollars and CuTRis claims that if you dress up like a chicken, you can convince poultry to do just about anything! Apparently CuTRis was practicing "being a chicken," when he was captured by animal control . We at the UAP, always knew there was a logical reason for all of this!

CuTRis Escapes from Jail--Leaves Chicken Suit UnAssociated Press October 11, 2013 CuTRis has apparently escaped from the cage that animal control authorities put him in yesterday after he was caught roosting outside of a feed store while wearing a chicken suit . No explanation has been given for the event--though when CuTRis was asked about it by reporters, he charged them flapping his arms and squawking .

CuTRis in Chicken Suit--Put in Cage! UnAssociated Press October 11, 2013 CuTRis was apparently wearing a chicken suit yesterday, and was caught by animal control and placed in a cage . Though CuTRis took the chicken suit off, authorities had still not released him from the cage at the time this story was printed.