By now, many of you have probably seen or heard the negative campaign ads produced by both the Republican and Democratic parties, which make many ridiculous claims against me. I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight, and remove any doubts as to my integrity in regard to my run for the Presidency of the United States of America. First, I did not, have not, nor will I in the future, ever eat live kittens with my morning breakfast cereal. This claim is false. I am actually quite partial to breakfast burritos which I make myself. These contain no feline matter. Second, I did not go to any of Osama bin Laden’s bachelor parties for his third and fifth (wives) marriages. I do not know Osama, and I have already gone on record as saying he is a fartknocker. Third, while I think George W. Bush is also a fartknocker, I did not say he was gay. In addition, if he is gay, that is his business, not mine. Fourth, I did not vote against a ban on banning bans. I have no idea wha...