The thoughts of a writer.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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The I's Have It

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Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Want To Get Rich Writing Books?

Get this... Createspace (where I make my paperback books) is an Amazon company. But somehow, Amazon is selling the book(s) cheaper than Createspace is. If people buy through Amazon (and why shouldn't they?), I get next-to-nothing for a royalty--where if they buy it from Createspace (and pay more), I get much more.

I believe the "machine" is designed to make money. Unfortunately it is also designed so that I (the author) don't make any.

Thank you Amazon for selling my books.

Thanks a lot Amazon, for making sure I don't make any money from book sales.

Just an FYI -- between fees, minimum amounts and creative pricing/royalty policies, I have yet to be paid for any of my book sales. But to be fair, if I ever sell millions of copies, some of that money will eventually trickle down to me!

It's a good thing that I'm not in it for the money!

-KJC

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Thanks for Book Orders!

Grayson's Adventure (also on Amazon) is on track to outsell all my other books! I have plans to write more children's stories in the future.

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Monday, November 25, 2013

CuTRis Tops Miley in Bizarre AMA Perfomance

CuTRis Tops Miley in Bizarre AMA Performance
UnAssociated Press
November 25, 2013

CuTRis Sings, "Fixing Sock"



CuTRis has topped Miley Cyrus for bizarre perfomances at the American Music Awards. CuTRis sang his hit, "Fixing Sock" while a giant animated dog was behind him.

 
Miley Cyrus Sings, "Wrecking Ball"

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A Mighty Sailing Man?

I liked the show when I was a kid and I still do now--but there is something I don't understand. When was Gilligan ever a "mighty sailing man?"

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Friday, November 22, 2013

The Hungry Games

By Kevin J. Curtis

Synopsis

Kevin, Larry and Dave are all working at their computers; miles away from each other. Each one is getting hungrier as the morning goes on!
Luckily, they have snacks in their desk drawers! In a fight to the life, each one must compete against their own hunger to survive! Yes, it doesn't get any more exciting than this! Watch as Larry downs a handful of Craisins! See Kevin eat several Triscuits! Watch as Dave... where is Dave? Huh? Oh... OK... I guess Dave went out for a smoke... The Hungry Games will have you on the edge of your seat!
 
 

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Hunger Games

I can't deny the popularity of The Hunger Games, but then I don't understand why people like vampire stories or Rap music either. But seriously... if there really was a Hunger Games contest, what would the winner really look like?

Not Realistic
 













More Likely




Has anyone made a spoof of the Hunger Games?

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Thursday, November 21, 2013

Rat Bastard Meat Company

By Kevin J. Curtis

Fuctor Ramirez Arguayo Johnson was a happy man with no maladjustments—except for his insane, irrational fear of butterflies. The fear developed when Fuctor was a mere child; after his cousin Hector was killed by a rabid butterfly on the fourth of July. It was a gruesome scene. There were ninety-seven butterfly fang marks in Hector’s body when they found him.

Married to his sister’s cousin at the age of seventeen, Fuctor became a father by the time he was sixteen years old. After people had been telling him that he should become a doctor for the last twenty years, at the age of nineteen, Fuctor ran away with the circus to become a chicken tamer.

That was when disaster struck. Fuctor fell into the company of renowned, master chicken wranglers, Kent, David and Tommy. The three were known for their bravery around farm animals; and they abhorred the use of firearms. Egged on by the trio before he was ready to perform, Fuctor was badly gored by a wild chicken before his first circus performance. The dangerous chicken was shot to death with a fifty caliber Browning machine gun. It only took four hundred and sixty-eight rounds to kill it. Feeling dejected, Fuctor returned home with only his chicken scars for his efforts.

To facilitate rehabilitation, Fuctor began an exercise program that included lifting heavy soup cans over his head for sixteen hours each day. This eventually led him to believe, that perhaps he could become a supermarket stock boy. After applying at the local Hooligan’s Supermarket, Fuctor soon showed that he was the best supermarket stocker on the planet—and he actually won several interplanetary contests for stocking shelves. But alas, soon he developed Car-pool tunnel syndrome—not from working with his hands, but from driving in too many carpools in order to get to work on time.

As luck would have it, Fuctor and his wife decided to invest their entire lifesavings into a rat factory. There they produced and sold rats for consumption to third-world countries. Soon, under the label of Rat Bastard Enterprises, Fuctor, his wife and their sixteen children, became wealthy hundredaires. Then they all lived happily ever after.

Pedestrians Taking Chances

As it gets darker for more of the day I have noticed black forms--barely distinguishable running across the roadways. Pedestrians are literally risking their lives by running in front of moving vehicles. A significant number of people are killed in these accidents each year--which could be avoided if more care was taken.

Yesterday I returned from the grocery store as it was growing dark when five people ran across a busy intersection in front of my car and lots of other traffic behind me. We in the cars had the green light and had been waiting to go. Now, a mass of traffic nearly bumped together and inched forward as more and more stupid people ran across the road to board a bus on the other side. It would be unbelievable--except I know how ridiculously dumb some people can be sometimes.

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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Grayson's Adventure! - Preview


Click picture to enlarge - click "back" to go back.

https://www.createspace.com/4526504

Also on Amazon

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George Zimmerman May Have A Problem

George Zimmerman is in trouble for pointing a gun at someone... AGAIN!

NOW... he is not supposed to have guns. Wow! Did it take a scientist to finally figure this out? Some people shouldn't be allowed to have guns because they might use them when they lose their trigger happy tempers!!!

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People Announces Sexist Man of 2013




Yes, CuTRis wins again!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Christmas Present for Toddlers

Grayson's Adventure! is a story that I wrote for my son. If you have a toddler who likes books, you may want to take a look at this book that is just in time for Christmas! Click on the title to see more.

While looking for something to do, Grayson shrinks down to the size of an ant! To get home he needs to count to ten and recite the alphabet!

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Monday, November 18, 2013

KwikWood






In case your wood is too slow...

Friday, November 15, 2013

Children's Book

I'm working on a children's book for my son for a Chistmas present. It will be available soon for $5.50 in paperback.

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Thursday, November 14, 2013

Roman Yogurt Defeats Greek Yogurt

Roman Yogurt Defeats Greek Yogurt
UnAssociated Press
November 14, 2013


In a violent taste test today, Roman Yogurt has defeated Greek Yogurt in an all-out battle of the taste buds. Just how this will affect yogurt snobs around the globe is yet unknown. The UnAssociated Press asked Yogurt from Star Wars for a comment on the battle and he said,
"Dumb you are for thinking my name is Yogurt!"

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Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Complaint Department


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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Doobie Brothers Trivia

If you do an Internet search for, "the guy who ruined the Doobie Brothers," you will find information about Michael McDonald.
Sorry Mike, but it is true...

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11-12-13

Monday, November 11, 2013

Borg Making Cars Now

Borg Making Cars Now
UnAssociated Press
November 11, 2013


Most people may know about the Borg and the giant spaceships they use called Borg Cubes, but did you know they now produce cars?

The UnAssociated Press has obtained
this photo of the new Borg Cube Car!

 

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Friday, November 08, 2013

Incognito in the NFL

Isn't it ironic that a guy named, "Incognito" is creating so much attention for harassment?

From what I understand, it is hard to be Incognito in the NFL right now...

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Pigs Seen Flying Over Frozen Hell

Pigs Seen Flying Over Frozen Hell
UnAssociated Press
November 8, 2013


The UnAssociated Press has learned that pigs were seen flying over a frozen Hell this morning! In other news, the Vikings won their game against the Washington Red Skins!

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Thursday, November 07, 2013

Stupid

CuTRis got really Hungary, So he used a Ukraine to lift a giant Canada beans. Because he had no can opener, he dropped the can from the Ukraine and it bounced to the Netherlands. It rolled into the ocean and washed up on England. A car driving on the left side of the road swerved--it's horn sounding "Aruba!" CuTRis was really hungry so he ate some Chile. Frustrated, he threw an Estonia into the ocean and thought about the chocolate Malta he had yesterday with that Turkey sandwich. He got himself a glass of water with Iceland. He Kuwait until dinner!

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

How to Trap Larry

Homemade Larry Trap

Trapping Larry can be an enjoyable hobby for people of all ages! Here is a simple and humane trap that I designed to catch my former coworker Larry. By using a recycling bucket balanced on a pen, I've attached a string to the pen so I can pull the pen away and drop the bucket on Larry when he goes to get the Craisins. If you have lots of Craisins, you can keep letting Larry go after you catch him and do this everyday!

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Tuesday, November 05, 2013

CuTRis Discovers Ancient Artifacts


CuTRis Discovers Ancient Artifacts
UnAssociated Press
November 5, 2013


Renowned explorer, CuTRis has discovered some amazing ancient artifacts. Apparently CuTRis found these artifacts along some railroad tracks. The full implications of this new discovery are not yet known--though CuTRis said he believes it will be historic!

CuTRis believes this to be
a body ornament of
some kind--possibly
a nose piercing.


 





 
CuTRis says this device was
likely used by hunters and
attached to prey to
slow it down.

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To DJ's & Radio Stations

To all Disc Jockey's and radio stations,

I like nothing more than to hear some dumbass talk incessantly about nothing even remotely important during both the beginnings and endings of songs. It is not at all annoying when you do that--so keep up the good work.

Thanks,
Kevin

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Monday, November 04, 2013

CuTRis Injured Before Game: Unable To Play

CuTRis Injured Before Game: Unable To Play
UnAssociated Press
November 4, 2013


Star quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, CuTRis, was injured prior to the game on Sunday with the Dallas Cowboys. Apparently as CuTRis was "suiting up," he was accidentally trodden on by 343 lb. teammate, Phil Loadholt. CuTRis was unable to stand under his own power for seven hours--and by then the game was over and the Vikings had already lost.
Currently the team has no plan to sign CuTRis for another game--citing "durability" as the primary reason.

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Friday, November 01, 2013

Nice to See Agreement!

It seems that much lip service is given to how the different cultures don't agree on many things, so I wanted to point out that sometimes they do! Some of our newer immigrants and minority groups may have different customs, religious beliefs, etc., but after giving out candy for Halloween last evening, I can see that there seems to be an agreement that ringing someone's doorbell (3 or 7 times) and receiving free candy is agreed on by nearly everyone! Some of the people were older teens and perhaps even adults--many without costumes! Yet all of them were happy to come to my house and ask for candy. Halloween certainly has a way of bringing us all together! In fact, some of the older teens enjoyed the experience so much that they would shift position and then complain that they had not yet received any candy; when of course they had. So trick-or-treating isn't just for the little kids as I once thought. It is for grown-up or nearly grown-up people too! I will have to tell my nephew--who just started Jr. High. He thinks he is too old now and just walks his younger siblings around to trick-or-treat. There were "kids" twice his age with no costumes out doing it. They all had giant bags or pillow cases filled. I'm pretty sure I heard one of the older kids demand candy from a younger one, so there is also a spirit of sharing! Well with all of this good natured camaraderie, I ran out of candy quickly! I was unable to continue and had to turn the lights off "and hide," as the neighborhood swarmed with people--most of whom I had never seen before. So next time you are frustrated by someone, remember Halloween. It's one holiday everyone seems to agree on.

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CuTRis Criticized for being Critical

CuTRis Criticized for being Critical
UnAssociated Press
November 1, 2013


CuTRis was criticized today, for being critical, by a critically acclaimed critic. When asked about it, CuTRis said that "no one likes to receive criticism, but sometimes it is necessary--especially if it is over something critical." No one knew what this meant, so CuTRis wrote a critique for the UnAssociated Press--calling them a bunch of "critical ass-wipes." This in turn led to CuTRis being criticized, for being critical--by yet another critically acclaimed critic.

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