The thoughts of a writer.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Paid To Poop

I have created an Excel sheet that will instantly calculate how much money you "earned" while pooping, smoking, or doing whatever—while you are at work. If you would like a free copy, just email me and put "Free Poop Calculator" in the subject line.

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Money Laundering

 
This definitely looks like a case of money laundering!


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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Carp vs. Humans: Invasive Species

Carp vs. Humans: Invasive Species
UnAssociated Press
April 29, 2014


Political correctness has gotten a workout lately, as the Minnesota Senate has voted to change the name of the fish formerly known as Asian Carp; in order to "avoid casting a negative light on Asian cultures." The fish will now be called "Invasive Carp," to reflect that they are invasive species. The carp, however, have now filed a lawsuit claiming that Humans are the most invasive species to ever walk, crawl, fly or swim on Earth. Truly, this would seem to be the case—which means that people will now be referred to as "Invasive Humans" by all the flora and fauna of the planet.

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How To Avoid Computer Security Issues

Back to Basics! 

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Need Any Foo?

 

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The Wild & The State of Hockey

I understand, from watching the news, that the Minnesota Wild hockey team is in the playoffs and things are getting exciting. Twenty years or so ago, I was a fan of the Minnesota North Stars hockey team. Back then, the games were still on (free) television. Though toward the end of the team's existence, playoff games (especially) were offered on pay-per-view or you had to sit at the bar to watch them. Either way, you had to be willing to spend money to be a fan. I had, a few times, gone to the games at the old Met Center. As the venues to see professional hockey became narrower and more expensive, I found that this once avid fan, was losing interest. It was just too much trouble and expense. Eventually, the team was moved to Dallas. That pretty much killed my interest in the sport. Now the Minnesota Wild have won their way to playoff game 7, but the games are still not on regular TV and I don't hang out in bars to watch. So good luck to the team; but I probably won't be watching.

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Monday, April 28, 2014

More Thunder!

It thundered pretty loud yesterday and we wondered what our two-year-old son would do.
He looked kind of serious and then he said, “More!”

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It Takes A Special Person

It takes a special person to tell someone else that it takes a special person to do some crap that is probably less special and more craplike and for that person to use their special serious-face while talking about how special that crap that they're talking about is—and therefore how special the special person who it takes to be so special is.

Science Museum of Minnesota

"Driving" the Tugboat
 
Prehistoric Rhino

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Friday, April 25, 2014

A Foggy Morning

DT St. Paul ahead
 

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Thursday, April 24, 2014

Waste of Resources!

The dude in the restroom used 5 paper towels to dry his hands! I could dry 10 hands with that many! Think about what you use everyday. Are you wasting resources too?

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Mason Needs Your Prayers

https://www.facebook.com/PrayersForJienaAndMason

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lees

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Rain

Raindrops slow and steady
Remind me to be ready
Water soaks in the ground
Tears can fall without a sound

Why must it be so hard?
Like broken glass, a cutting shard
When the night moves slowly in
My dreams are sad and from within

The daylight breaks in new light
I dry the tears I cried all night
Today I make another stand
Like burning flesh I leave my brand

20140424 Kevin J. Curtis

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Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Green Bottle

 
The green bottle sat empty on the table in the break room—next to the microwave and other assorted break room crap. Its cap lay nearby in case someone wanted to cap its emptiness inside to keep it “fresh.” He almost tossed it into the recycler over two weeks ago—but then resisted; wondering how long it would continue to reside on the table before someone (the original owner perhaps!) would dispose of it.

Then one day the green bottle lay on its side! It had been knocked over or perhaps toppled from sheer exhaustion! Surely someone would dispose of it now!

But no… some kind-hearted soul righted the bottle and once again, it stood proudly; in testament to strength, laziness and downright slovenliness! Long live the empty green bottle he thought! Perhaps some things are enduring! Perhaps there is hope for us all! 

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Monday, April 21, 2014

MN Valley National Wildlife Refuge

Me and my son stopped at the wildlife refuge visitor center Friday morning. He wanted to "go see animals!"

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Easter Weekend

Easter this year was different for me than most. When I was a child, Easter meant going to church and also a basket of goodies from the Easter Bunny! This year the weekend was primarily about a funeral. Since it was a Hmong funeral, it encompassed the entire weekend and with only a few hours of sleep since the overnight ceremonies (click here for more information about Hmong funerals), my wife will join the burial procession on this Monday morning.

Aside from a single Easter, I've learned that there are many differences between my culture and my wife's culture. It has at times, lead to difficulties as I have no good reference point to make sense of 3 to 4 day (and night) funerals, among a lengthy list of other practices. These are heavily ingrained into the traditions, culture and spirituality of these people—who I have come to know as part of my family. A funeral service for me, occurs within a few days (not a month) and the (traditional) service itself (not counting going to the cemetery) takes about an hour. I can't help thinking that the money, time and resources should be utilized for the living—and yet the (traditional) Hmong believe funerals to be among the most important things in life. While I spent only a fraction of the time my wife spent at the ceremonies, I can see that the media, such as the movie Grand Torino, have perpetuated certain inaccuracies about the culture—like when Walt touched a child's head in the movie and created an uproar—because of some asinine idea that it would harm the child's spirit. I witnessed several Hmong people lovingly touch my son's head this weekend and I do not believe such a notion exits anywhere except in some bad Hollywood "facts."

No doubt traditional ceremonies will continue to change (much to the dread of the elders) with new generations. My personal opinion is that this will largely be a good thing. If my family held rigidly to our past practices, I would be wearing Lederhosen and eating fish cured in lye. I'm so glad that went away. I believe shorter, less expensive (as in not requiring a dozen cows to be slaughtered for the occasion), and less work intensive ceremonies would be best in the modern world—as would wives that did not come with a price and polygamy. But of course, this is my own opinion.

A funny thing... by the second day of the funeral, my two-year-old son felt pretty comfortable at the funeral home. He saw that the men all shake hands, so he walked around shaking all of their hands and telling them his name. He walked up to the clan leader (who has a cool dragon shirt) and shook his hand. I think he impressed those guys!

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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Out-of-Office Reply

Here's a good one you can try!

"I will be out of touch and three sheets to the wind on (insert date). If you need something, try me on (insert date)."

The National Weather Report



The national news is always talking about the weather hardships out east. They only notice in passing that other places have more extreme weather.



Click here for the CuTRis version of how the national weather reports are delivered on the network news.

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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

OK Weather—I'll Stop Will You?

The past few mornings I've been commenting on the wintry weather here in mid April. So today the temperature is about freezing outside with snow just to the north and a "wintry mix" of rain and snow expected in the Twin Cities today. I give up now. I won't make fun of the weather anymore (this week).

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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

19 Degrees F and Spring!

This morning the birds are chirping! The Sun is coming up and it is 19 degrees Fahrenheit (-7 Celsius)! It is a fine Sprinter morning!

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Monday, April 14, 2014

27 Degrees F

Winter refuses to let go...

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Yesterday in Nature


Yesterday was a sunny and pleasant day. I was amazed that the frogs are calling so loudly already—when the ice just thawed and the water is still so cold.

 
I also saw a couple of deer—who were as curious about me as I was about them.

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Friday, April 11, 2014

Make A Stir Fry

Prep Ingredients
I made a stir fry yesterday for dinner and I decided to share the process for anyone who might like to; but doesn't cook a lot. Stir fry is all about the preparation. Dice up all of your ingredients ahead of time so you can add it as you progress. The order that you add the items should be determined by how long they take to cook—which is sometimes counterintuitive to what you might think. For instance, I always start with my fresh (green) beans if I use them because they will take the longest to cook. Most people want the meat to go first—which makes sense because you not only want it to get done, but you don't want to put it in too late because you want any possible harmful bacteria to be cooked dead.

Carrots first— then the meat

For this stir fry, I used steak. I cut it up first and coated it with dry spices and then sprinkled (cheap) vodka on it and mixed it together and let it sit. Then I thoroughly cleaned all my utensils and surfaces before cutting up all my vegetables. After heating the wok, I added the ingredients in this order—with the time between each addition varying from several minutes to a few seconds depending on cook time.

1. Carrots
2. Steak
3. Potatoes
4. Snow Pea Pods

Keep going!
5. Onions
6. Asparagus
7. Celery
8. Lawry's
9. Dried Italian Herbs
10. Broccoli
11. (Green) Pepper
12. Garlic/Ginger Combination
13. (Portabella) Mushrooms
14. Tomato
15. Cilantro
16. Soy Sauce

All Done! I hope you remembered to make rice! 

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Bus Irony






There I was waiting behind that bus. I was waiting and waiting as the bus was stopped at the stop sign.











 




And then I noticed the sign that said "Buses do not stop here."
Yet there it was... stopped. And there I was stuck behind it...

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Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Duck Sauce



With the weather warming, I've seen more ducks flying up from the south. I can tell they were down there because they all have Southern Accents. I figured they would be hungry after the long flight, so I tried feeding them some Duck Sauce. It turns out they don't even like the stuff!

Note* If you think this is dumb, so is feeding ducks bread. Bread is not good for them. Buy some whole corn if you must feed them.
—KJC




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Sick & Tired

My son has been sick and I'm tired...

Friday, April 04, 2014

Medical Marijuana Sale This Weekend

Medical Marijuana Sale This Weekend
UnAssociated Press
April 4, 2014


As the debate over Medical Marijuana continues in Minnesota, all sides have decided to come together this weekend on the Minnesota State Capitol lawn for the purpose of buying and selling Marijuana for medicinal purposes. The UnAssociated Press is not sure if the mother who said Governor Dayton told her to buy it illegally will be there, but hundreds will be hanging out on the State Capitol lawn, listening to music and eating chips on Saturday April 5th from 1:00 PM to 5:00 PM and Sunday April 6th from Noon to 3:00 PM. Vendors will be present with munchies and a tax booth will be provided by the IRS where tax stamps can be purchased; no questions asked.

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Robot & Giant Microphone Search for Flight 370













Finally! Now maybe we can get some answers!


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Early Morning April 4...

 
Snow came down from a darkened sky...

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Thursday, April 03, 2014

If You Are Starting a Band






If you are thinking about starting a band, I know where you can get a really good deal on three Rock Stars who come with their own Amplifiers!

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Super Fuels






Thanks SuperAmerica. I was getting kind of tired of your "Mediocre Fuels."

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Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Gary Clark Jr.

If you like the Blues Guitar, click HERE.

If you like that try THIS.

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Two Year Wars

Dear Yoda,

The R2 unit was very slow again this morning.
My wife (Leia) let him take a book while he did potty and no potty happened—only book reading.
After much screaming I removed the book and eventually took over control of the download. Download was completed and then I uninstalled the R2 unit from the potty. By now we were running late once again.
I am now attempting to reprogram the wife to understand that the R2 unit cannot multi-task at this stage.
My plan is to have potty be for potty and not for books and toys.
Books are fine when R2 is not actively in the potty for downloading.
Though there may be a struggle removing the book, this struggle should take place before entering the potty area.
Wish me luck! This type of reprogramming is risky business!

Sincerely,

Han
(from a galaxy far, far away....)

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Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Hey Winter! Go Away!

We don't need anymore snow!

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This is My Last Blog Post

April Fool!

Kmart: A Necessary Dumb

Every once-in-awhile I have to go to Kmart. There are a few things I can't seem to find anywhere else. For instance, Rustler Jeans. Now that I'm not in sixth grade and I don't have Tom M. making fun of my clothes, shoes, finger nails, hair, (and other things I won't mention), I can buy and wear whatever I want to. I like functional and inexpensive. I also like the old style jeans that can (literally) stand up (against a wall) by themselves after their first washing. Nobody seems to sell these anymore!!! Everything is prewashed, preshrunk, pre-softened, pre-worn! It's ridiculous! If I want worn-out jeans I'll pull some out of my closet!!! Well anyway, the Rustlers have a pretty close replica of real jeans and I can only find them at KameApart. So I went to Kmart and found the Rustlers I wanted except they didn't have my size! They did have my size in a black pair but not the blue. So I decided to try the black pair. When I got to the fitting rooms, a woman was working over there so I asked her if they might have more of the blue somewhere in back. She said, "I'm filling in over here, but I'll axe about that." Then she asked me what size I needed (I showed her the closest size in blue which had my waist size but was two inches longer than my inseam). Then she said, "Well this one is almost the right size. Why don't you buy this one?" I told her they were too long. So she said, "Depending on what size shoes or boots you wear they'll be okay." (Hmmm... like maybe when I wear my two-inch high heels? Doesn't every man have a pair?) I told her I was not buying them unless they were the correct size and I would try the black ones (that were my size) while she checked on the blue. The black jeans fit. So when I came out of the fitting room, I asked the same woman if she had found any blue in my size. Well she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. Apparently when she said she would "axe someone" she didn't really mean that she would actually do it. Now, she told me that "everything is already out." This was information I could have used during our previous conversation. But now, she walked over to where the jeans were (I showed her where) so she could look too—in case I didn't know how to look for my size myself. Wouldn't you know it; she didn't find my size either. So she suggested I pick out another color.

I'm telling you, Kmart has some really "brilliant" people on their staff! She was a “fashion consultant” and everything! How come I didn't think of buying the wrong size in a different color?

Keep up the good work Kmart! It reminds me of the time I was there being told the trimmer I saw in their ad wasn't available when a big display of them was 20 steps away! With exceptionally talented people like that on your staff, you'll be closing even more stores soon!

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