The thoughts of a writer.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Toilet Fish

"Hey mom! There's a fish living in the toilet!"


"Yeah, sure there is..."

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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Judge Throws Out Ventura Suit

Judge Throws Out Ventura Suit
UnAssociated Press
July 30, 2014


A U.S. Federal Court judge threw out the lawsuit filed by Jesse Ventura against CuTRis—citing that the "shoe print says it all."

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Ventura Suing CuTRis for Defamation

Ventura Suing CuTRis for Defamation
UnAssociated Press
July 30, 2014


Fresh from of his victory suing Chris Kyle's widow, Jesse Ventura is heading back to court to sue the author of How I Punched Jesse Ventura & Stuff, for defamation. CuTRis is said to be recovering after being stepped on by Ventura after the fight—that Ventura claims never happened. By telephone CuTRis told the press that he still has the shoe print on his stomach that proves his claim.

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CuTRis Claims to have Punched Ventura

CuTRis Claims to have Punched Ventura
UnAssociated Press
July 30, 2014


In his new book entitled, How I Punched Jesse Ventura & Stuff, local author and former Presidential candidate, CuTRis, states that he,

"...punched Ventura in the knee, and then I fell down and he stepped on me and I had to go to the doctor! When I got to the clinic they asked, 'what happened to you?' So I told them that I fell down after punching a former Navy SEAL who was (formerly) in politics and who now just says a lot of dumb things that make people think he's a dumbass! So then the nurse says, 'Oh, you mean Jesse Ventura?' And I said, 'yeah, how did you know it was him?' Then they patched up my stomach where the giant shoe print was still visible. Then the doctor said to me, 'all right CuTRis, go home and take two aspirin and don't let any former pro wrestlers step on you for at least two weeks.' So I went home and wrote my new book, How I Punched Jesse Ventura & Stuff.

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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Poison Ivy Patch

This is one of the healthiest poison ivy patches I've ever seen. If you wondered what it looks like, this is a good example. However, if poison ivy is growing in the shade it looks more pale and less vigorous.

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Monday, July 28, 2014

Little Log House Show

On Sunday, we visited the Little Log House Show; which has become a favorite annual event for my wife.

In a daring daylight raid, my son infiltrated the German camp and stole their watermelon without any resistance!

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Minnesota Air National Guard Museum

We visited the Minnesota Air National Guard Museum on Saturday. We always have a good time looking at all the airplanes.

My son poses with an airplane.

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Friday, July 25, 2014

Variable Speeds

As I was driving in the rain recently, I adjusted my windshield wiper speed a couple of times to accommodate my speed and the amount of rain falling. I like variable speed machines. But often, the quantity of speed settings is questionable. I probably have 6 or 8 windshield wiper speeds and only need about 3. But my ceiling fans at home have 3 settings and I only use the lowest speed. In fact, if I had a lower setting I would use that. I'm not sure why the highest setting is so high. It looks like the darn thing is going to take off when it is on high! I have a 21-Speed bicycle. I think I use 3 speeds and 90% of the time I have it on the middle one. I guess I could get by with a 3-Speed if it had the same three settings I normally use. My guess is an actual 3-Speed would have some configuration that was not my (current) lowest, middle-est and highest—which is what I like; so I guess I'll keep the 21-Speed bike. VCR's (remember them?) had 3 recording speeds. Now I have a DVR and it has like 9 recording speeds. Is that really necessary? I mean do you want high quality or maximum storage? Make up your mind! Who uses the middle setting? It is probably the same person who buys the middle grade gasoline. Do you need three? Do you want premium gas or regular gas? "No, mix the two together because I want "medium" gas." Hmmm... seems to me maybe the medium grade gas is going away. We have too many other kinds like diesel, e85, etc. Well, I have to go now. I'm kind of thirsty and I don't know if I want whole milk or skim milk so I think I will have some 2%.

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Thursday, July 24, 2014

This Vehicle Makes Frequent Mistakes




After following this van for a short time, I snapped this photo and then adjusted the sign on the back to be more accurate...

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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Almost Northern

This morning during my urban angling venture, I hooked a small Northern Pike on a red and white spoon. It was probably in the 18" to 20" size and perhaps a bit small for the frying pan. The fish managed to get unhooked when I got it up near the pier where I was fishing—thus saving me the trouble of unhooking it and deciding whether to keep it or release it.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Trip to Little Falls

Outboard Motors at Fishing Museum
We went to Little Falls, Minnesota on July 20-21.

The Perkins in Little Falls was great and they helped me out by supplying a big piece of free birthday cake to help our family celebrate my wife's birthday.

One of our first destinations was the Minnesota Fishing Museum. The museum's director, Mavis, was a wonderful host and I found the collection of old outboard motors interesting.

MN Military Museum
We also toured the Minnesota Military Museum which is located at Camp Ripley. This was a lot of fun and the collection is impressive.

We had dinner at Cabin Fever which had a nice quarter chicken dinner on special.

We enjoyed the view of the Little Falls Dam and accompanying Maple Island Park.

MN Military Museum
We stayed overnight at the Clifwood Motel. If you can get by without a swimming pool and "continental breakfast," it is just about exactly half the price of everywhere else and will have all the basics you expect in a motel.

On Monday morning we went to the Pine Grove Zoo which was just the right size for our two-year-old son. It was a lot of fun.

A Blue Heron fishes at the dam

We had lunch at The Great Wall, which had good food at a decent price—although the staff was not very friendly and completely unconcerned about our two-year-old having water or eating utensils. By asking again and also taking silverware from an empty table, we were accommodated. Like I said, the food and prices were good.


My son watches a yak at the Zoo


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Sunday, July 20, 2014

Rambo Foods


When you first enter Rambo Foods, don't expect a warm "hello." Don't expect a shopping cart. Don't expect aisles of food waiting for you to choose from... you wuss! At Rambo Foods, you will be given a large knife when you enter the store. All that other crap you brought in will be confiscated and you will be pushed through a bamboo doorway into a jungle where you will stalk, hunt and finally kill your food with only your wits, courage and strength! Oh yeah, you can use that big knife too if you want to. Or, you can use the knife to make a fully functional bow and arrow set. You see at Rambo Foods, we don't think you should get to eat unless you earn it! Why you cowering little wuss! If you can't kill your meat, how do you expect to eat? If you can survive the jungle, the poisonous snakes, the quicksand, the wild animals, the hostile natives, land mines and the enemy combatants, you will be allowed to pay for your food and leave. We take cash, checks, Visa, MasterCard or Discover. But don't expect a "thank you." You miserable weakling...

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Friday, July 18, 2014

He Sure Looks Dumb!

Whether you like to wear your pants below your butt crack or whether you ride a motorcycle with ape hangers, somebody will probably think you look dumb...

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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Colonoscopy: A Look Backward

Once I realized I was due to get a colonoscopy, I decided that it would be best to get it behind me as soon as possible. Three days before the procedure, I had to eat a low fiber diet and I'm telling you, that surely was for the ass! Yes, everyone who says the prep is the shits is correct. I got pretty sick for some reason, during the process of taking large overdoses of three kinds of laxatives. My nose was running and I threw up and let me tell you, I felt like crap. I had also heard stories about having bad results and one person even told me she had to go back and swallow a camera! Apparently after the camera sent images to a fanny pack she had to crap it out or "they" would need to perform surgery to remove it! My first response was "so did they want the camera back after you crapped it out?" The answer was "no;" so I'm assuming it must have been a disposable camera... The actual procedure, when a doctor finally pushes a camera up your butt is really not nearly as bad as the drinking of the "poison" was. You also get to watch your colon on TV! Anyway, after it was all over, I was sure glad that everything had come out all right in the end.

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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

If You Choose to Believe in Heaven

If you choose to believe that there is a heaven, then perhaps you should also choose to believe that there are more ways than only one to get there. If I want to go home from wherever I might be, there are not only multiple roads I could drive, but there are multiple methods as well. If I am not in a hurry I might walk. If I am very far away I may choose to fly. Ultimately I will make it home; barring any unfortunate disasters that are always possible. So too, it is likely that if Heaven is accessible to one religion or doctrine, it is also available to others. Your way may not be my way, but who can say which is better?

Kevin J. Curtis

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The African Crotch Beetle

Relationships are built on distribution of power and duties. In my marriage, my wife doesn't like insects, which have always held a certain fascination for me. One of my duties is bug disposal. When insects enter our house (as they sometimes do in the Summer), they are unwelcome. I will often pick them up and put them outside or toss them into the toilet—depending on the type of intruder it is. My wife will either capture it in a pill bottle or with exceedingly hideous specimens (in her scale of discrimination), they are squashed into an unrecognizable mess by a shoe swung with extreme prejudice. Often, a pill bottle will be waiting for me to both identify and then dispose of the occupant inside. Recently I released a captured spider on the front lawn. I was "scolded" by my wife, for not taking it 11 miles away—as apparently a spider released on the front lawn will find its way back into the house in a matter of minutes...

So this leads me to my story of what happened the other evening. My wife had caught a "bug" and had it in a holding facility (i.e. a pill bottle) when I returned home. I identified it as a small beetle and I tossed it into the toilet and continued on with my life. Later, as we were putting our son to bed, my wife asked me what kind of bug had been in the now empty pill bottle. I told her that it was a beetle. She asked what kind of beetle. It was quite small and black and likely a weevil, but I told her it was an African Crotch Beetle. Now my wife is not dumb, but I have the gift of being able to (frequently) come up with the most outrageous answers and keep a straight face—so after momentarily looking horrified, she asked me, "Are you just making that up?" That was when I burst out laughing. I had in fact, amused myself—if not anyone else. By now my wife had finished helping our two-year-old son brush his teeth and it was time to go potty. I heard the toilet flush prematurely, as they had not gone yet. Then my wife said, "Ahhg! You left it in the toilet and didn't flush it." That was when I smiled and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that an African Crotch Beetle lives in our toilet now..."

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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Fix Spots Inside Camera Lens

Sometime this Spring I noticed a black spot showing up on my digital pictures and videos. I have had my digital camera for over six years and I really like it. I couldn't clean the spot off the outside, so I surmised it was inside. I thought that I would have to replace the camera. Then I looked on the Internet and found how to clean the inside of a camera lens with a vacuum cleaner. I had nothing to lose so I tried it. Only I used full suction power and instead of messing with a roll of plastic I held an empty toilet paper roll over the open lens and crunched the other end around the vacuum wand. I pulled it off and put it on and sucked that stupid speck right out of there! I was pretty surprised it worked but it did and how cool is that?

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Ramsey County Fair


With animals and music (and the chance to be in the band), my son had fun at the Ramsey County Fair last Saturday.
video

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Monday, July 14, 2014

Work Kitchen Mess

Day 30...
This is no exaggeration. It has been a month now since these same dirty dishes were dropped here.

Quarters Fall From Sky

Quarters Fall From Sky
UnAssociated Press
July 14, 2014



Large hail and quarters reportedly fell from the sky recently. Several people were also reportedly injured by falling hail and coins; while scavenging for small change during the height of the storm.

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Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Catfish is Too Smart?

I read that chicken livers make good bait for catching catfish. I usually eat the liver, however, so I used a chicken lung instead. I did my typical 15 minutes of urban fishing this morning and while there was some "activity" around my baited hook, I did not catch anything. This is not uncommon, as one can frequently go fishing and not catch anything. But I had to wonder... if the catfish knew that I had substituted an "inferior" type of organ meat? Maybe that catfish was too smart to fall for my substitution! After all, I wouldn't eat the lung. On the other hand... maybe the fish just wasn't hungry or it was on the other side of the lake...

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Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Jury Selection to Begin in Jesse Ventura's 'American Sniper' Suit

I noticed the news headlines and there, amongst them was this totally ridiculous lawsuit filed by Jesse Ventura with the title, Jury Selection to Begin in Jesse Ventura's 'American Sniper' Suit. But then, when hundreds of people are trying to cross the border from Mexico into the USA, why should I be surprised by the actions of a man who has claimed he is (mad at the USA and) going to become a Mexican citizen? This whole thing brings me back to elementary school where a certain individual in my class was primarily concerned with how tough everyone thought he was. From all accounts, this guy never grew up—and neither did Ventura. Not that I would believe Chris Kyle either; but that is my point. Who gives a crap about any of this? In the world of tough guys there are only three truths.

1. Most of them will say anything to make themselves look tough. Look how many times Ventura brought his own problems (from the "media jackals") because he couldn't back up his big mouth with facts!

2. No matter how tough someone is, somebody else will come along who is tougher.

3. The toughest guys don't need to brag about how tough they are.

So forgive me, but to sue the wife of a dead guy because you claim your fame and fortune was ruined by a (reference in his book about a) fight that never happened is really stupid. I can't believe such things bog down our court system. For being such big tough guys, these men can be awfully sensitive and emotionally fragile!

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Priest Reportedly Didn't Have Sex with Children!

Priest Reportedly Didn't Have Sex with Children!
UnAssociated Press
July 8, 2014


Unnamed sources have divulged information indicating that a Catholic Priest was found to not have had sex with children. This is still little more than a rumor at this time, but it opens the speculation that there could be others who have also not violated children while working as priests!

Monday, July 07, 2014

Young Robin

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Thursday, July 03, 2014

July 4th


Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Psychedelic Germ Party

video

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

CuTRis to Release Movie called, "Kim Jong Un is Dumb"

CuTRis to Release Movie called, "Kim Jong Un is Dumb"
UnAssociated Press
July 1, 2014


"No! Me tough guy! Very smart!!!


Movie fans everywhere are eagerly anticipating the release of CuTRis' upcoming movie, "Kim Jong Un is Dumb." That is, everyone except for North Korean president, Kim Jong Un.




In the first 8 seconds of the movie, the main character, QuTRys, says that, "Kim Jong Un is dumb, and anyone could kick his ass. In fact, if word gets out how dumb and weak he is, the people will rebel and he will end up getting beat-up by a schoolgirl who will take over as president and then things will be much better over there."

When Kim Jong Dumb heard about this he was infuriated! He has threatened merciless retaliation if the movie is released. CuTRis was unavailable for comment due to his hysterical laughing fit (when he heard about the threat).

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