How the Government Shutdown Will Affect Your Butt

Due to the current (US) government shutdown, your buttocks has been closed. For the duration of the shutdown, your buttocks will be unavailable for use. Should you need to sit, we recommend standing, lying or kneeling. Sitting will be awkward and probably not possible without having access to your buttocks. Should you find that you need to defecate, you will either need to "hold it" or in emergencies, you may be allowed to vomit. We do not take the closing of your buttocks lightly. In fact it really stinks. The use of your buttocks should be returned to you, shortly after the government is once again, fully funded.