Bastardly's Hangover

Bastardly really knew how to throw a party. In fact he’d been to party school in the northern part of the south of France. That’s where he met his (now) wife, Jena Sequa. It was half-past-a-monkey’s-ass before the party was finally over. No really! They had a clock with pictures of animals on it—and at 3:30 AM, the minute hand was just past the monkey’s behind.

After wiping up urine and vomit for half an hour, Bastardly and Jena finally went to bed. That is, after they evicted the man who was already sleeping in it. By two in the afternoon, Bastardly woke up. He didn’t feel well and barely managed to get to the toilet in time to throw up. Huh… he thought. I wonder why I don’t feel well?

What Bastardly hadn’t considered, was that he had ingested enough tequila overnight to have killed a team of mules. But he decided that he must have “caught a bug.” By now Jena had woken up and had somehow walked into the door to the bathroom—not realizing it was closed. Bastardly opened it up to see his wife clutching her nose. She cursed at him and that’s when he noticed her breath was bad.

The couple’s cat Hercules sauntered across the floor. Though he hadn’t been fed for days while the couple convalesced and partied, Hercules had managed to stay more or less healthy on a diet of party food that was frequently spoiling on a Styrofoam plate left on some piece of furniture. There were also plenty of mice and cockroaches to eat if need be.

Now that the afternoon was nearly over, Bastardly flipped open his cell phone and called to order a pizza. He was hungry now that he had finished his “morning puke.” Jena sat on the couch across the room and enjoyed her new hobby—which was smoking Meth from a small glass pipe.

Yes, life was good and since Bastardly had gotten that settlement for being run over by that cleaning truck, there was always plenty of money to buy booze! What he didn’t realize due to his horrible math skills and inability to keep a ledger, was that the forty-six thousand dollars he had taken during the first round of accident settlement negotiations was all but used up.

That wouldn’t matter yet today, but he was in for a big surprise come Monday. But then… Monday was still a long way off.

—KJC