Leland

Leland Boxleitner was the fourth cousin, twice removed of actor, Bruce Boxleitner. His famous relative did not help his cause though. Leland was an outcast. In fact, the latest version of Merriam Webster’s dictionary now showed a picture of Leland Boxleitner in the margin; next to the word “outcast.”

This may have been enough to drive Leland over the edge, but not today. Today was Leland’s birthday and he planned to take his birthday money from his grandma and go to the city to spend it on some “two-bit ho’” like his grandma told him to. Grandma had sent it in a text message, but Leland didn’t use text messaging so grandma printed a copy and was now pinning it to Leland’s shirt as he protested.

“Grandma!” said Leland, “you don’t have to pin notes to my shirt anymore!”
“Nonsense!” barked grandma. “You lost every damn thing I ever gave you unless I pinned it to your shirt!”
“But grandma,” protested Leland, “That was when I was three. I’m thirty-two-years-old today!”
“Happy birthday!” said grandma. “Here’s one for the drive home,” she said—handing him a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

There was no arguing with grandma, so Leland took his beer and drank it as he drove his scooter toward the city. Before he arrived at the edge of the city the front tire of his scooter began deflating. Poor Leland could only pullover and try to hitchhike. Cars and trucks went past, but no one would stop to give a ride to an outcast.

Then the Queen of the Outcasts arrived in her 1978, converted school bus! The bus wasn’t yellow; it was all kinds of colors! Leland was invited aboard and the bus took off toward the city. Leland soon realized that he was with a group of gypsies!

The queen gave Leland her second niece three times removed to be his companion, and Leland soon realized that the young lady was both a “two-bit ho’” and she was eager to take his money that grandma had given him. Riding through the city under the blanket with Ria was the most magical thing that Leland had ever experienced!

After several hours, Leland realized that the bus had stopped and he came out from under the blanket. Ria followed him and they went outside where the group was sitting around a fire making food and playing music.

“Do you have money?” the queen asked Ria. Ria pulled Leland’s birthday money from grandma out of her blouse and handed it to the queen. The queen gave it to another girl and said,
“Go get a camping permit so that ranger leaves us alone tonight!”

“That was my birthday money from grandma,” Leland protested.
“What you need money for?” asked the queen. Then she looked at Ria and asked,
“So… do you want him?” Ria put her arms around Leland’s neck and nodded “yes.”
“Do you want her?” the queen asked Leland. Leland could only nod in the affirmative.
“Good!” said the queen. “The gene pool here is getting a bit shallow!” She looked at Leland and asked,
“You want to be a gypsy?”
“You mean I can join you?” asked Leland in disbelief.
“Of course,” said the queen. “You can help Rico!”
Ria’s Uncle Rico was busily lighting and passing around little, hand rolled cigarettes.
“OK,” replied Leland.

Later the following year when the new Merriam Webster’s dictionary was released, Leland’s picture had been moved from the margin where the word “outcast” was; and had been placed in the margin next to the word, “gypsy.”


Kevin J. Curtis – Copyright 2012