Star Trek: The Next Generation “#2”

By Kevin J. Curtis,

Captain Picard’s Voice: “Captain’s log, Star Date 173498.7. We are in the Commodious System surveying Interstellar Plankton. My First Officer, Commander Riker is experiencing irregularity.”

The scene is on the Bridge of the Enterprise.,

“Are you still unable to go number 2, Number One?” asked Picard.
“Negative Captain,” replied Commander Riker. “I’ve tried everything. I’ve even read an entire Romulan screenplay, while I was trying to ‘go,’ and nothing!”
“Have you seen Dr. Crusher about this?” asked Picard.
“Yes,” replied Riker. “She gave me a hypo-spray, but so far it has not helped me to go number 2.”
“That’s highly irregular Number One,” replied the Captain. “Normally Dr. Crusher’s hypos will have a person going number 2 in no time!”
“You should try prune juice,” said Mr. Worf. “It is a warrior’s drink!”
“You know,” said Picard, “Mr. Worf may have something there. Humans have been using prune juice to facilitate going number 2 for centuries, Number One.”
“Yes, I’m aware of that,” said Riker. “But it tastes like crap.”

Worf looks angry, but the scene shifts to sickbay.

“I can see the blockage,” said Dr. Crusher. “I’m afraid it is far too dense to come out on its own. This is by far the worst case of constipation that I’ve ever seen!” What have you been eating anyway?”
“I’m afraid I can’t say,” replied Riker. “But it has put me in a difficult position.”
“That it has,” replied the doctor.

Later, in the Captain’s ready-room, the senior officers are in a meeting about how to get the first officer to have a bowel movement.

“Data and I have come up with an idea,” said Chief Engineer Geordi LaForge.
“It is not without some risk,” added Commander Data.
“But we think it might put Commander Riker’s butt back in business,” said LaForge.
“I’m all ears,” said Riker.
“Yes,” said Captain Picard. “Tell us about this plan of yours.”
“We’ll need Transporter Chief, O’Brien for this one,” said Geordi. “If Dr. Crusher can give us the exact coordinates of Commander Riker’s poop, we think that the Chief can lock onto it with the transporter, and beam it out into space!”
“It sounds risky,” said the captain.
“I’m willing to try it,” said William Riker.
“Counselor Troi, have you anything to add,” asked Picard.
“I sense that Commander Riker’s bowel is in agreement,” said Deanna Troi. “I believe that we should do whatever it takes to help the commander to go number 2.”
“You’re sure about this Will?” Picard asked Riker.
“As sure as I’ve ever been,” replied the first officer.
“Then make it so Number One!” said Picard.

The scene is now split between the bridge, engineering, sickbay and the transporter room. Communication between the sites is done via communicators.

“Is everyone ready?” asked Captain Picard from the bridge.
“Data and I are ready in engineering,” said LaForge.
“We’re ready in sickbay,” said Beverly Crusher as she administered one last hypo-spray to Commander Riker—who was lying on an examination table.
“I’m ready in transporter room one,” replied Chief O’Brien.
“Commence transporting Number One’s number 2,” Picard ordered.

Chief O’Brien begins moving the transporter controls and the sound of the transporter can be heard. A slight glow appears around Commander Riker’s midsection.

“We need more power!” shouted O’Brien, “We’re losing it!”
“Hang on Chief!” said LaForge, as he and Data are frantically doing stuff in engineering.
“We’ve engaged the warp drive,” said Data. “You should have full power for 14 seconds on my mark… now!”

The lights on the Enterprise begin to dim and a dull hum can be heard as the ship starts to vibrate.

“Status?” shouted Picard.
“It’s working!” cried Dr. Crusher.

The ship returns to normal and everyone appears relieved—especially Commander Riker!

“How is he doctor?” asked Picard.
“I’m fine Captain,” replied Riker, as Beverly helped him off the examination table. “Thanks everybody!”
“It seems that Number One has successfully gone number 2,” said Picard.
“Might I remind you,” interjected Data, “that this was a most unorthodox method.”
“Whatever gets the job done Data,” said LaForge. “Whatever gets the job done.”

The scene shifts to the bridge.

“Mr. Worf,” said Picard, “will you do the honors?”
“Yes sir!” answered Worf. “Phasers are locked and ready to fire!”
“Make it so Mr. Worf!” said Picard.

The view from space shows the Enterprise firing its phaser array at a small brown object floating in space. The object disintegrates.

“Mr. Crusher,” Picard said to Ensign Wesley Crusher, “set a course for Starbase 12, warp-factor 2.”
“Yes sir!” replied Wesley.
“Engage,” said Picard.

The Enterprise flies off in a flash of light.

End.