I am CuTRis

Once upon a time, there was a Beta fish on a shelf in a pet store. In the store in his tiny bowl, he ferociously swam at the other male Betas nearby. He swam so vigorously, that his new owner called him “Spaz,” and took him home. Spaz was the king of his new two-gallon bowl, and he was ready to protect it against any other male Betas who might try to invade his territory. Spaz grew up into a large, purple fish, who sometimes showed more blue or more red; and even a hint of green depending on the light. His fins grew long, and he was a large and most impressive looking fish. When he flared his gill covers to warn others to stay away, he looked quite fearsome. Then one day, Spaz saw another male Beta looking at him. Spaz approached cautiously, ready to defend his territory. When he got a good look at the other fish, he noticed that it was very large and had striking colors and long fins that looked like gauze skirts. For the first time ever, Spaz was unsure about rushing into a fight wit...

Yesterday I went hiking in the 8o degree Fahrenheit (26.67 degrees Celsius) heat. We got two feet of snow earlier in the month, and there was still a large patch of compressed snow at the edge of the woods near the swamp. I was hot, and walked out onto the snow to cool off. I was still hot. The sun was strong, and though I was surrounded by snow, it was still hot. How weird is that?

At the school district where I work, they are eliminating art from most of the elementary schools. How can you not have art for kids? This is the result of budget cuts. At a time when the USA should strive to become the economic superpower that it could/should be, employers are all cutting back and consumers are paying more than ever before for goods and services. Instead of being the world’s police force, America should fix the economy. Foreign wars are draining our wealth; unless of course, your income is tied to oil profits… The current administration is both funding a war and cutting taxes for the wealthy. That puts an extra burden on the local governments to tax more to make up for the shortage from the federal. Meanwhile, “bright boy” in the White House talks about, the “No-Child-Left-Behind” program like it is a lofty accomplishment. While Special Education continues to require more money from school districts, the rest of the students are now losing out on such programs as art,...

Cutris Makes Deal with Mexico March 22, 2007 UnAssociated Press It was reported today by inside sources who were found standing outside, that Cutris has just closed an important deal with Mexico. This deal would give Canada the right to buy oil from China, after it was pumped from wells in Brazil. Not much more is known about the deal, or if Cutris himself will profit from the revenues gained by Portugal. Australian sources seemed to indicate that Cutris would not make any monetary gains by the deal, but rather, he was simply settling a bet between Russia and Iran, as a favor to Pakistan.

After seeing an osprey while hiking last week, Cutris has taught himself to fly! Over the weekend, Cutris was seen flying around the 7-county metro area. When asked how he did it, Cutris denied that he had been flying, and said that he was just practicing his "Kung Fu" training.

In the olden days, before there were nights, there lived a prince named King. King the prince was in love with a beautiful girl named Slumina, who worked in the local sewage treatment facility just outside of town. King’s father, the Duke of Buttington did not approve of Slumina, and did all he could to discourage his son from romancing the girl. Unfortunately for the Duke, his son was smitten by Slumina and would not listen to reason. Then that guy named Stu came to town and started up a strip club. Slumina got a job at the club, and soon made enough money to start her own dog-walking business. Prince King married Slumina and they had two children, their son Hector, and daughter, Fall-Guy. The Duke of Buttington became a regular at Stu’s club, and spent his entire fortune there. Eventually, Stu became very rich and died of a drug overdose. The Duke of Buttington became a sorter at the sewage treatment facility outside of town. Slumina expanded her dog-walking business and became one o...

I see a reoccurring and disturbing trend with the students at the school where I work. It is something that I dealt with when I worked for the county government as well. Minority students are more and more, blaming their poor behavior on the racism of others. In this case, it is their teachers who are being called racists. The “race card,” as it has become known as, provides a certain amount of undeniable leverage in a dispute. Some minorities have learned this, and worse yet, they are now teaching it to their children. The seventh graders I work with would not know about such things if they hadn’t been taught about it. Bad behavior is bad behavior. Race is not the issue. In fact, the question should not be, “why are we disciplining minority students so frequently,” but rather, “why are certain groups more prone to behavior problems?” It should be noted that not all of the minority groups are overly represented in detention, and yes, there are more than one or two minority groups. So w...

After a "brown" Christmas, and a lack of snow and cold, we got the cold early in February and the snow late the same month. We all remember what winter is supposed to be like now.

Brittney Spears tries to be like CUTRIS February 21, 2007 UnAssociated Press While numerous “talking heads” are trying to figure out what happened to Brittney Spears, inside sources report that her bizarre behavior stems from her jealous desire to be like Cutris. Several years ago, Brittney came into possession of a cassette tape of EFS (Electric Frog Syrup Band) music, which came from Cutris’ (AKA Kevin J. Curtis) band. The tape came from drummer Pete, who gave it to some guy named Jeff, who gave it to several more people until it ended up with Brittney Spears. Brittney heard the tape, which was described as being a “crappy boom-box recording,” and she found herself longing to play/sing real music. When she found out who Cutris was, she soon began imitating him. This jealous rivalry peaked lately, when she decided to cut her hair off so that she could look more like Cutris. “The kids in detention at the school where he works call him ‘The Bald Eagle.’ That’s so cool!!!” said Brittn...

Anna Nicole Smith, we are so sick of hearing about you. She was famous for using sex, (i.e. Playboy, marrying a really old tycoon, etc.) to become rich and famous. It is likely that she overdosed on Methadone (like her son did), which is a powerful drug used to counteract the effects of heroin addiction. I learned about Methadone while working for the Hennepin County Chemical Health Division. Heroin is a short acting drug that mimics brain chemicals. Addicts use it and they get high. Then when they come down, they get sick. Methadone is actually quite powerful and more addictive than heroin. It is used to stabilize heroin addicts. Because it is long acting, a person only needs to dose once per day. A physician monitors the dose so the patient is stabilizing, rather than getting high. In the wrong hands, this drug can be lethal. Even now, there are at least half-a-dozen men claiming to be the father of Smith’s baby. What an embarrassing crowd to be part of! There is also a fight over he...

During the halftime show of Superbowl XLI, Prince played his guitar behind a curtain, producing a silhouette that appeared to look like a two-headed penis. CBS and the NFL were both adamant that this was purely accidental, and Prince does not have a penis, let alone a two-headed one.

People often ask me about animals and nature. Recently I was presented with the question of whether or not a groundhog (or woodchuck, or marmot) can actually predict if there is going to be an early spring or not. My answer is, "probably." That said, why would the groundhog care about telling us? I think they might be inclined to give us "misinformation."

A small balm, possibly a Chapstick, was found on a local street today. Police were called to investigate the balm, and citizens in the area were evacuated for their own protection in case the balm might explode. The bomb squad was dispatched, but upon arrival refused to defuse the balm, because it wasn’t a bomb. Several seconds passed, before local citizen, Cutris arrived on the scene. After pulling a tissue from his pocket, he picked up the balm and deposited it into a nearby trash receptacle, thus saving the day. Cutris was unavailable for comment, as he was heading home to do some baking.

January 24, 2007 President George W. Bush, I listened to your State of the Union Speech last evening. Some of it was what we were waiting for, like alternative energy. Some of it was misinformation, like Iraq. In the end, I regret to tell you that I don’t believe you. Sincerely, Kevin J. Curtis

Today the CEO’s of several major U.S. corporations asked President Bush to implement tougher standards to limit the production of greenhouse gases that may be causing global warming. The President has refused saying voluntary limits are the way to go. What is wrong when the president refuses to help when corporations want to stop pollution???

Presidential Exploratory Committee January 19, 2007 UnAssociated Press Cutris announced today, that he is forming a presidential campaign exploratory committee. It will be called the, Cutris should be President because regular politicians are making stupid decisions that really suck and are making it hard for the average person to get by in our society and it’s time for a major change like putting Cutris in the White House, committee.

Last evening, as did a huge number of other people, I watched as George W. Bush made the case to add approximately 22,000 more American soldiers in Iraq. The speech came sometime after the evening news, where the top story (in the Twin Cities) had been about yet another Minnesota soldier who had just died in Iraq. When the President came on and laid out “his plan,” I began to wonder why he thought he could go against what seems to be a huge majority of U.S. citizens, who want to bring American troops home and get our military out of Iraq? In a “democratic” country, shouldn’t the people have the last word? Does this make our President a president, or a dictator? Does this mean that our leader is no better than the one who was overthrown in Iraq? These are all questions that flew through my mind, as I also wondered if the President had heard of another military conflict called, The Vietnam War. Have you ever known someone who tried to fix something, and the more they tried, the more it ...

I have put a link to Will Steger’s Global Warming 101 on my links list to the right. http://www.globalwarming101.com/ Global Warming is some pretty scary stuff. Personally, I like to think of environmental issues, such as recycling and conservation, as self-serving things. Perhaps we should all think of it that way. It is, after all, the only planet that I am aware of, that we can live on. We ought to take care of it.

For my friend who I tease about this... White Guy Brand White Rice (commercial) Camera follows Cutris walking and talking… “When I was a kid, my mom made rice every day for breakfast. There’s nothing more satisfying than a ball of sticky-rice in the morning.” Cutris stops, camera zooms slowly in, to medium close-up… “When I went to school, the other kids would be eating their peanut butter & jelly sandwiches at lunchtime, but I would have my white rice, that I carried in a bamboo tube around my neck.” Graphic of logo comes into view as Cutris continues… “I learned to make good rice over all those years, and now I want you to be able to enjoy it as much as I do. That’s why you should look for White Guy Brand White Rice at your grocery store.” Camera widens slowly… “Because nobody knows rice like a white guy.” Commercial fades out…

I saw a Gummie Bear™ on the floor at the school today. It was filthy. It lay there, full of dust and dirt and looking like it had been in a fight. Maybe it had! Gummie Bears have sometimes been known to attack! Sure they look innocent… but if you saw the one that I saw today, it would send a chill down your spine. I left it alone, and hurried down the hall away from it… to safety. I wasn’t going to take any chances.