Bastardly Robs a Bank!

By the time Bastardly realized that all his money was used up, he was out of booze and didn't have enough to buy a pizza! His wife, Jena Sequa, was normally ill tempered and now with no money, and no drugs, she was downright impossible! Bastardly had by this time, reached the only logical decision to reclaim his wealth and lifestyle. He would rob a bank! Bastardly knew little about bank robbery. In fact, he knew little about anything at all. He decided to go out for a walk to think. Thinking was not something that Bastardly was very good at.

One thing that Bastardly did have going for him, was that he was lucky. For some reason, in spite of his low intelligence and desire to spend his life in a drunken stupor, Bastardly somehow always had enough money—until now. As he tried to think, he was suddenly amused by one of his own farts. As he laughed out loud, he noticed a strange looking dude nearby. The dude waved a stringy arm at him. Bastardly thought the guy must be an alien—but from what country he wasn't sure. Perhaps he was Jamaican. If so, he probably had weed! Bastardly eagerly tried to strike up a conversation. He soon realized, however, that the dude who called himself, "Unglip," could not speak English. That didn't matter to Bastardly, though. He motioned for the dude to follow him home. There he introduced the Jamaican dude to Jena Sequa, and then he grabbed his car keys and motioned for the dude to follow. Once they were driving, Bastardly remembered that he still didn't have any money. So, he decided to see if his new friend would help him rob the bank. It was nighttime, so the bank was closed. Bastardly parked in back and looked for a secret passageway to get inside. He saw none—when all-of-a-sudden, his new friend blew a snot wad on the wall of the building and it melted away! Quickly Bastardly ran inside. There were alarms going off—but he really wanted to get inside the vault! Bastardly pointed at the vault and then his nose. His friend understood! The dude blew another snot wad and it melted the vault door! Bastardly ran inside and grabbed a couple of bags of money and then he ran outside and jumped in his car. The dude was with him; but unfortunately the cops were now after them! Bastardly stomped on the gas and tried to get away but that damn cop car was fast! Then the dude pulled out a funny looking gun! It must have been a Jamaican model! The dude fired at the cop car and it evaporated! Wow! That is cool thought Bastardly!

So then he drove back home and invited his friend to come inside. He broke out his last couple of beers that he was saving. Now that he had two bags full of money he could always get more! Bastardly decided to give the dude some of the money—which he took and stuffed under his hat. Then the guy needed to go to the toilet but he never came back! Bastardly suddenly realized that the Jamaican dude was the coolest dude he had ever met. Why cheapen the experience by wondering where he went? So Bastardly got really drunk and fell asleep on his bags of money.

By Kevin J. Curtis

Click HERE to see Unglip's version of this story.