CuTRis Back Home From Mars

CuTRis Back Home From Mars
UnAssociated Press
September 11, 2013

His aim was good as CuTRis has apparently used a giant slingshot to shoot himself back from the planet Mars. At a top secret televised debriefing, CuTRis recounted his journey home. The secret transcript is published below.



Dramatization

"When I first landed on Mars there wasn’t much to do except hold my breath and hangout. Later, I found some water which was good 'cuz I was pretty thirsty. I met some Martians and let them try the water. They liked it and realized that they were really thirsty too! Well, they started drinking all my water so I decided to charge them for it. The first thing I bought (from them) was a tank of oxygen. I hadn't breathed any air for quite a while--since the atmosphere on Mars has hardly any oxygen. Well pretty soon the Martians were charging me a lot for the oxygen when they realized I needed it to live. Well that made me mad and I raised the price of water! Pretty soon they're pointing ray guns at me and talking about the Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator! Well I contacted ACME and ordered a super-giant slingshot. I buried the end in the ground and loaded a big rock in it. I stretched the band, took a big breath of oxygen from my last oxygen tank and then I released the slingshot and grabbed onto the rock as it flew away! I went flying off of Mars and headed back toward the Earth. It took a while, so I had to pee pretty bad when I finally landed on Earth. Worst of all, it got really hot when I came though the Earth's atmosphere! In fact, it burned off all of my back hair! Do you know how long it took me to grow that stuff??? Well anyway, I landed in Woody Allen's pool! I swam out and who did I see but Woody himself! Well he was pretty nice and he offered me some water and let me use his bathroom. There was plenty of oxygen now that I was on Earth again so I was happy! Then I thanked Woody and went home.