Cutris Recounts Life as a Pirate

It all started late summer in 2003. I was unhappy with my situation on the east coast, and I took a trip by myself to Plimoth to spend some time near the ocean and think. Later that evening, as the fishing boats came into the bay to transfer their catch onto trucks, I noticed a strange vessel. As it came nearer, I walked out onto the breaker to get a closer look.

I could see the captain on the deck, and he yelled down to me in a raspy voice.
“Ahoy there yee scalawag!” That was what he always called me. “What say you to a little adventure on the high seas?”
Well I hadn’t really ever thought about it, but this could possibly open up a new way of life for me, so I said, “sure!”

Right then and there, I put my “X” on the manifest, and I became the ship’s poet. It was my job to create witty rhymes about everything we did. Little did I know, that I had signed onto the pirate ship of Bloody Bill Booty, the most notorious pirate of the new millennium!

The ship was called, The “Poisonus Eel.” Yes, I know it was supposed to be “Poisonous Eel,” but Captain Booty was also a notoriously bad speller. We sailed the ocean, harassing every other vessel we came close to. Once, we even exchanged shots with a Coast Guard cutter, before outrunning it. The “Eel” was a fast ship. It was nothing like the old pirate ships of the stories. It had four huge diesel engines and though Captain Booty wore an eye-patch, he really didn’t need it. In fact, I caught him looking through the telescope with his “bad eye” at one point.

Eventually, I ran out of rhymes, and was forced to “walk the plank. “ Fortunately we were docked at the time, so I ended up walking back to my car. My time on the Poisonous Eel was perhaps the scariest four hours of my life. By the time I realized that I had signed on with pirates, it was too late to swim for shore. I made the best of it, and created nearly 40 rhymes about Bloody Bill Booty and his ship.

I’m not proud of having been a pirate, but I’ve learned from the experience. Never accept rides on large ships from strangers—especially when you’re trying to clear your head.

-Cutris