Scrotius

Scrotius
By Kevin J. Curtis
20180109

Serving on the council was something that Scrotius had dreamed about since he was a young child—dragging his small bag across the sand to play in his neighbor’s large orifice. The orifice encompassed nearly two city blocks and all the boys loved to play in it whenever they could. It was built to accommodate many of the games that were popular at the time.

But now he was a grown man; and while he had been elected to the council, he felt as if he had also been given the shaft; a fact that was all too true. The shaft was long by today’s standards. It had to be. Scrotius supported the entire moral weight of the community by waving his shaft frantically whenever something peculiar was seen near the public bathhouse. This happened with increased frequency since the new emperor had come to power. Promiscuous was a decent ruler; though a bit of a despot in things involving the public bathhouses.

By public declaration, it was now illegal to use the bathhouses unless one was wearing high heeled shoes. Thus, when as a member of the council, Scrotius was required to serve as the primary Administrator of Bathing, he or one of his minions (usually Marcus Downicus) was always at the ready to wave the shaft when someone arrived wearing flats. But one day that all came to a grinding halt!

That was because the most beautiful woman in the empire, Calpurnia Electra, entered the bathhouse in the Uranus district wearing only flats and a waterlily. Everyone was stunned by her beauty; and because the waterlily was a miniature and didn’t cover much of her physique. Scrotius was enamored and immediately sent his aide Dubious Meister to discover whether this woman who resembled a goddess was married or not. The answer came swiftly, and Scrotius was overjoyed to learn that Calpurnia was single—though sought by nearly every swinging dyke in the land. Poor Scrotius found out the hard way when he presented Calpurnia with a set of solid gold balls with the only stipulation being that she marry him that evening.

Not surprisingly, Calpurnia rejected both Scrotius Maximus and his golden balls when she used her flats to kick his balls down the street! The horror! The woman of his dreams played for the other team! Forlorn and crushed, Scrotius left public office and became a wealthy aqueduct repairman—specializing in one-hour service.