Jacqueline Upturd

Jacqueline Upturd was a nobody really. She had connections through her mother who had also been a nobody—until she was cast on a TV sitcom in the ‘60’s. Through those connections Jacqueline had become a writer. Now she fancied herself a celebrity and she liked to use social media to tweet out her sarcastic and conceited views.

Many people seemed to think that Jacqueline was very beautiful. That was probably due to her gigantic teeth; which gave her quite a unique smile. The smile that so inspired her fans, looked similar to how a constipated horse might look just prior to a massive bowel movement.

Jacqueline Upturd loved herself more than she could ever love anyone else—which could be why she had decided never to get married. On the other hand, she was just plain ill-tempered—so maybe no one had ever asked her.

Driving in her vintage 1970, Chevy Caprice, she liked to crane her neck—and scowl at people who looked like they were happy or in love. Sometimes she envisioned running them over with her car—confident that her assumed notoriety would protect her from any legal repercussions. But then, she would return home to her one true friend; a small dog that could be carried around like a baby.

Such was the life of Jacqueline Upturd. She had her legions of fans who were equally unhappy and mean-spirited. But she was never quite able to get what she really wanted out of life. Indeed she did exactly the wrong thing to get what she wanted the most. But then, she thought that happiness was found by belittling others. Perhaps it was an Upturd trait that was handed down through the family like a pair of old and dirty socks. They should get thrown in the dust bin—but they were just so comfortable even with the holes.

Alas… such a pity about poor Jacqueline! How sad to be a downtrodden Upturd—and not even realize it! But then the lesson for all is, when things come too easy, the recipient fails to learn that others who have to work harder than they do are just as important as they are.

—KJC

The characters in this story are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.