CuTRis Looks Good After Football Practice



CuTRis Looks Good After Football Practice
UnAssociated Press
October 31, 2013

CuTRis is Ready

After only one practice with the Minnesota Vikings, new quarterback CuTRis says he is ready! "The team seems optimistic," said CuTRis, "and today's practice felt good! I think I'm ready for Sunday."

 

Happy Halloween!

On this Halloween I'd like to wish everyone a fun and safe holiday.
For anyone who chooses to use this day for evil, I challenge you to use your creative mind to put yourself or someone you love in the scenario you are plotting.
If you cannot because you have never loved anyone or anything, then you are already worse off than everyone else.
So be nice, have fun and make someone smile today!

A spooky skeleton I found!

Vikings Announce New Quarterback

Vikings Announce New Quarterback
UnAssociated Press
October 30, 2013


CuTRis is New Quarterback

For those who have wondered whether Josh Freeman, Christian Ponder or Matt Cassel will be playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings against the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday, the team has announced that CuTRis has just signed a $14 contract to become the first-string quarterback for the next game!








If CuTRis manages to win against Romo and the Cowboys, he has the option to sign on for another game with a guaranteed $15 paycheck! Can CuTRis turn this team around?
"He played Jr. high school football," said Coach Leslie Frazier, "so we're pretty confident that he is as good as anybody on the roster."
We shall see on Sunday if this is the key to turning this team around... or not...

Minnesota Vikings Lose Again

Minnesota Vikings Lose Again
UnAssociated Press
October 29, 2013

The Minnesota Vikings football team has lost again today; in a rare midweek loss. Though there was no game and no opponent, the Vikings still managed to lose in the 4^th quarter by a score of 753 to 6.

Several players said they could have played better and coach Frazier said he puts the blame on himself--but all think they can still turn their pathetic season around.

What a great time it is for Vikings owners, to expect the state of Minnesota and fans to pay for their new stadium so that they can make lots more money!

Go Vikings! Your 1-15 season is all but in the bag!

Crash

Emergency vehicles weaving through traffic on I94 West
 

A bad way to start your morning.

Bad picture I know but that was a long line of cars smashed together end to end
 

CuTRis in Another Scandal

CuTRis in Another Scandal
UnAssociated Press
October 28, 2013

In another of his many scandals, this photo of CuTRis shows that he was yet again, disobeying a sign. When asked about this CuTRis replied that State land is owned by the residents of the state; and therefore he was accessing his own land.

Just So You Know

I use those signals at the pedestrian crossings and I want to go on record, that I only push the button once. I know most people feel that they need to push the button 13 or 14 times and that maybe it will go faster if you push it 19 times--but I have found that it works fine when you push it once. Likewise elevators stop on my floor when I push the button for them once. In fact, working with computers has taught me that pushing buttons multiple times before the request has been executed can lead to trouble!

CuTRis May Have Been Eaten by Fish

CuTRis May Have Been Eaten by Fish
UnAssociated Press
October 25, 2013

CuTRis was back in the news today with this Police Dash Cam image that was taken while CuTRis was riding on the front of a police cruiser. Why CuTRis was riding on the front of the car is still unknown; but this video clearly shows that a giant, flying Northern Pike is about to eat him! Could this be the end of CuTRis? No one seems to know if CuTRis was eaten or not. The police officer driving the car that CuTRis was on, has been temporarily placed on administrative leave while an investigation is being conducted.



Police Dash Cam Image

Destructosfuq

I was always amused by the stories of the larger than life Banditos. There was one in an old Ortega commercial that was really good. Here is one (or part of one) I made up years ago to amuse myself and my friend Dave.

It Didn't Work...

I just stopped by the bank to cash a $5 check. You still have to go through the whole thing of giving them your account number and then keying in your PIN number--even if it is only for $5. When all of that important stuff was finished, the teller asked me if I just wanted a $5 bill. Quickly I thought of all of the various ways I could get my money--such as two ones, four quarters, ten dimes, nineteen nickles and five pennies! But instead I told her that I would actually like a $20 bill. She said she couldn't give me one so I replied that in that case a $5 bill would be fine. Apparently you can't get a $20 bill if your check is only worth $5. I tried but it didn't work.

CuTRis Failed as Opera Singer

CuTRis Failed as Opera Singer
UnAssociated Press
October 23, 2013

A video surfaced today, of CuTRis singing an Opera excerpt. Some people might recognize the song, but probably not the words. Apparently CuTRis made them up--while auditioning for the Metropolitan Opera. One critic said that CuTRis could be a big star if he only tried. "I sing when I want to," said CuTRis. Some say CuTRis doesn't take his music seriously. When asked about this accusation, CuTRis stuck his tongue out. Needless to say, CuTRis failed the audition when he changed the words of the song--ruining the chance for opera fans everywhere to see him showcase his talents.

Deer Today

Out on a Limb

I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that English may be the second language of the person who made this sign...

Mille Lacs Trip

Our first stop on the way up to Lake Mille Lacs was the Milaca Unclaimed Freight store. After that we drove to the Twin Pines Resort for lunch. Aside from the first batch of chicken coming to the table still raw, it was OK. Then we toured the Mille Lacs Indian Museum. We had a nice room at the Garrison Inn and that evening we ate at the The Lonesome Pine Restaurant. The food was good--except for the "garlic pasta" that I had as a side. I thought that a restaurant that had a lot of Italian food might have something more interesting and flavorful than half a cup of spaghetti in olive oil and garlic. It was pretty bad (my son even refused to eat any and he usually likes noodles)--though my Maple-glazed Salmon was good (my son liked it too). The prices were pretty high considering it is in Deerwood, MN--but I must admit that the place was packed on this Thursday night.

The next morning we proceeded to go clockwise around Lake Mill Lacs. We walked along the lakeshore on the north end. Eventually we stopped in Isle to shop and eat. We ate at the Country Corner Cafe because we were told by a shop owner it was the best place around. It was OK, but I'm sorry to hear that it is the best they have.

My apologies if you wanted to hear about fishing. My little boy is a bit young to be out on a big lake like Mille Lacs. Maybe next time...We did save the best for last, however, as we stopped by my old friend Joe's house on the way home. My son really liked Joe, Angie and Kayla. My wife and I were also happy to have had the chance to visit with this wonderful family.

 

Mille Lacs Sunrise

From the motel window this morning...

Mille Lacs Indian Museum

We went to the Mille Lacs Indian Museum today. As with many paid admission museums, the admission price vs. what you see will probably have you asking, "that's it?" The Four Seasons Room (by tour guide only) was the one outstanding feature and I have included pictures of that room.

 

CuTRis Downgrades Credit Ratings of Standard & Poor and Fitch

CuTRis Downgrades Credit Ratings of Standard & Poor and Fitch
UnAssociated Press
October 16, 2013

Early today, CuTRis was seen downgrading the credit ratings of both Standard & Poor's and Fitch. He was changing their scores with a purple crayon. While onlookers thought it was a joke, the stock market has apparently taken CuTRis' scores of F-C+D² seriously.

Government Shutdown--Deal Reached?

Fall Color

Running with Wild Dogs

Over the weekend, my son was seen running with wild dogs...

Reason for CuTRis Chicken Suit Revealed

Reason for CuTRis Chicken Suit Revealed
UnAssociated Press
October 11, 2013

The reason that CuTRis was wearing a chicken suit was finally revealed today. Apparently while working for a local chicken processing plant, CuTRis was teaching the chickens to die on command. As you can imagine, this would save the plant thousands of dollars and CuTRis claims that if you dress up like a chicken, you can convince poultry to do just about anything! Apparently CuTRis was practicing "being a chicken," when he was captured by animal control. We at the UAP, always knew there was a logical reason for all of this!

CuTRis Escapes from Jail--Leaves Chicken Suit

CuTRis Escapes from Jail--Leaves Chicken Suit
UnAssociated Press
October 11, 2013

CuTRis has apparently escaped from the cage that animal control authorities put him in yesterday after he was caught roosting outside of a feed store while wearing a chicken suit. No explanation has been given for the event--though when CuTRis was asked about it by reporters, he charged them flapping his arms and squawking.

CuTRis in Chicken Suit--Put in Cage!

CuTRis in Chicken Suit--Put in Cage!
UnAssociated Press
October 11, 2013


CuTRis was apparently wearing a chicken suit yesterday, and was caught by animal control and placed in a cage. Though CuTRis took the chicken suit off, authorities had still not released him from the cage at the time this story was printed.


Father of 9-year-old Stowaway

Father of 9-year-old Stowaway
UnAssociated Press
October 10, 2013

The father of the 9-year-old airplane stowaway may be the Elephant Man. This would logically explain the disguise. Regardless of the boy's parentage, it is time to get him some help.

"I am not an animal!"

Rainbow Foods Now With Weevils!

On Monday I reported to Rainbow Foods that their Roundy's brand Long Grain Brown Rice that I purchased from the Maplewood Rainbow had weevils in it. On Tuesday I again went to the Rainbow website and reported (from the contacts/pull-down menu) a "foreign object" (i.e. weevils) in the rice I bought, and requested a replacement. On Wednesday, I again accessed the customer service contact page and said that I would post the pictures the following day if I still received no response. So now, Thursday, I share with you the photos of the rice and the "little surprises" that came with it. As I said, Rainbow has apparently chosen not to respond.


Weevils in Roundy's Rice



Roundy's Brown Long Grain Rice



Best By March 25, 2014 (Unless Weevils eat it first)

Bastardly's Hangover

Bastardly really knew how to throw a party. In fact he’d been to party school in the northern part of the south of France. That’s where he met his (now) wife, Jena Sequa. It was half-past-a-monkey’s-ass before the party was finally over. No really! They had a clock with pictures of animals on it—and at 3:30 AM, the minute hand was just past the monkey’s behind.

After wiping up urine and vomit for half an hour, Bastardly and Jena finally went to bed. That is, after they evicted the man who was already sleeping in it. By two in the afternoon, Bastardly woke up. He didn’t feel well and barely managed to get to the toilet in time to throw up. Huh… he thought. I wonder why I don’t feel well?

What Bastardly hadn’t considered, was that he had ingested enough tequila overnight to have killed a team of mules. But he decided that he must have “caught a bug.” By now Jena had woken up and had somehow walked into the door to the bathroom—not realizing it was closed. Bastardly opened it up to see his wife clutching her nose. She cursed at him and that’s when he noticed her breath was bad.

The couple’s cat Hercules sauntered across the floor. Though he hadn’t been fed for days while the couple convalesced and partied, Hercules had managed to stay more or less healthy on a diet of party food that was frequently spoiling on a Styrofoam plate left on some piece of furniture. There were also plenty of mice and cockroaches to eat if need be.

Now that the afternoon was nearly over, Bastardly flipped open his cell phone and called to order a pizza. He was hungry now that he had finished his “morning puke.” Jena sat on the couch across the room and enjoyed her new hobby—which was smoking Meth from a small glass pipe.

Yes, life was good and since Bastardly had gotten that settlement for being run over by that cleaning truck, there was always plenty of money to buy booze! What he didn’t realize due to his horrible math skills and inability to keep a ledger, was that the forty-six thousand dollars he had taken during the first round of accident settlement negotiations was all but used up.

That wouldn’t matter yet today, but he was in for a big surprise come Monday. But then… Monday was still a long way off.

—KJC

Sky Blaze

This was my view as I drove to band yesterday.

Customer Service

Thank you for contacting our company regarding your concern. Your concerns are very important to us. We will address your concern in 48 to 72 hours.
This of course, is merely a guess due to the fact that we only have one person answering the e-forms regarding concerns. We thought about hiring two, but decided to play it cheap and only hire one.
This one individual usually will quit after about three months due to overwork, low pay, complaints or any combination thereof. It is also entirely possible that your concern will be mishandled or even ignored--depending on who is on the job at the time. We may have hired the position to fill a particular demographic or perhaps the manager's daughter needed a job for a while and no one is particularly worried about how well said job gets done.
Rest assured, your concern has gone somewhere and something will either be done with it or not. We value your opinion and it will probably either be addressed or ignored in the order in which it was received.

Thanks so very very very much and please contact us anytime you have more concerns.

Sincerely,
Corporate Relations

Government Shutdown Continued

The government shutdown might sound like a silly power struggle to many people, but I know better.
My son is under two-years-old, and I can tell you that I have been through these types of negotiations and it is not easy.
Take for instance if it is bedtime. I want my son to go to bed and he wants to play with toys or read a book. I will begin the negotiations with, "No buddy, it's bedtime. We'll read the book tomorrow."
This will likely be met with his response of, "READ BOOK!" This will lead to me trying to catch my little boy as he stalls for time. He may run between his dresser and crib to try to get away from further negotiations--and thus sway the argument in his favor.
I will counter by picking him up and physically trying to put him to bed. This may result in crying. It is hard to put a toddler to bed who is intent on having his own way--just as it is hard to convince a politician that he/she should consider the greater good of the people he/she is representing--rather than his/her quarrel with the policies of the opposing party.
Either battle is going to be hard as it is very hard to reason with a toddler... or a politician.
I know, that everyone involved in the government shutdown is doing their very best--because I have been there! I have been through these negotiations with my baby boy.
He may have eaten beans yesterday, but today he wants nothing to do with them! No amount of persuasion will help. It is a test of wills.
I can respect the wills of the politicians of the USA as they lead us further into crisis. As I said, I've been there. Each politician is every bit as strong-willed as any small child!
I feel confident in knowing that they will handle the situation as well as any group of small children fighting over a single toy. That is what makes America so great!!!

Cicada

I found this Cicada on a board near my house.

Cicada 

"Lapse of Humanity" The Movie

Kevin J. Curtis has announced who will star in the movie version of his novel, Lapse of Humanity. The role of John DeLoss will be played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Eden Sher will play Lisa Marx. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson will portray Don Fredericks. Viggo Mortensen will play Lars Swenson; and the role of Mindy Miller will go to Megyn Price.

How the Government Shutdown Will Affect Your Butt

Due to the current (US) government shutdown, your buttocks has been closed. For the duration of the shutdown, your buttocks will be unavailable for use. Should you need to sit, we recommend standing, lying or kneeling. Sitting will be awkward and probably not possible without having access to your buttocks. Should you find that you need to defecate, you will either need to "hold it" or in emergencies, you may be allowed to vomit. We do not take the closing of your buttocks lightly. In fact it really stinks. The use of your buttocks should be returned to you, shortly after the government is once again, fully funded.

Hiking with My Son

My son, his all-terrain wagon and a beautiful day at Lebanon Hills Regional Park.

 

Holland Lake
 

One of many trails
 

Government Shutdown

Now on day two of the Government Shutdown, I want to voice how proud I am of our political leaders for all of their continued bickering--at the cost of our nation and people. Keep up the "good work" you guys!!! I had planned a day of hiking with my son yesterday, and it just so happens that October 1st is the first day of the fiscal year, and the bureaucrats in Washington don't like to agree about things--so the wildlife refuge where I volunteer as a park ranger is shutdown (along with all the other "non-essential" federal government services). I think all of the animals were required to leave as well. Many of them could be seen, forlornly huddled together in a few local parks--waiting for the refuge to reopen. They're still waiting... Fortunately for me, I was able to spend a wonderful day at Lebanon Hills Regional Park instead--so my day was salvaged. I hope our leaders can get their collective $hit together soon.