Escape from St. Josephine’s

Philbert Housley Drysdale III was the first second grader to be in the detention room at his school in a very long time. What’s worse, Sister Margaret Hosenfish told him that he would surely go to hell for his offence. You see, he had kissed a girl. It all started very innocently during recess. Lucinda Hollander had touched his arm while playing tag; and something had come over him. He wasn’t sure what it was—but he did know that he had reacted. Now he was stuck in detention with the likes of Harris McGillivary; the toughest sixth grader in St. Josephine’s Primary School. If he survived this day, maybe hell wouldn’t be so bad.

Yes, he would be in detention until the end of the day—or until he copied the sentence “I’m a filthy little pervert,” six million times—whichever came first. Harris McGillivary had already thrown enough spitballs at him to create a pile on the floor three feet tall. Harris got away with this behavior because he paid off the detention monitor with moonshine from his father’s still. It was a warm day for March, so the windows of the detention room were open. Philbert stared at the children playing outside in gym class. He longed to jump out of the second story window and join them; or maybe just escape from St. Josephine’s once-and-for-all. But alas, he was stuck.

As luck would have it, there was a fire drill that fateful day at St. Josephine’s. After the drill it was discovered that Father Binkley had several students under his robes for safe keeping. Some of the students were crying, but Father Binkley said it was God’s will. Why did God want these children to cry, wondered Philbert Housley Drysdale III? But why should he care? Because according to Sister Margaret Hosenfish he was going to hell anyway. He wasn’t sure when that would take place; maybe after school.

He was beginning to grow tired of the spitballs that were being fired relentlessly at his head. At about this point, he decided that he would do something about it. After all, he was already in detention and he was also going to hell. What more could they do to him? So when the janitor came into the detention room, Philbert Housley Drysdale III saw his chance!

He removed the mop from the janitor’s bucket and then slammed the bucket, dirty water and all over Harris McGillivary’s head. Running out of the detention room door screaming, he ran over three other students before he escaped into the bus garage. Luckily, one of the buses still had the keys in the ignition! So he started the bus and drove away. If he was going to go to hell, at least he was going to have a good time getting there!

While driving down the freeway at 110 miles-per-hour in the stolen school bus, Philbert Housley Drysdale III noticed another bus stalled on the side of the road. Since he was going to hell anyway, he decided to stop. The broken bus belonged to a rock band and they were so happy that Philbert Housley Drysdale III stopped, that they recruited him to play drums in their band. Then they took off to Des Moines to their next gig.

That night after the concert, Philbert Housley Drysdale III kissed several girls and he thought to himself that if this was hell, it was better than being at St. Josephine’s Primary School!



Kevin J. Curtis – Copyright March 29, 2012