I am CuTRis

My school (where I work) just went into lockdown. We're safe, but things are really wild... This was put out... Public Info On 4-20-07 a staff member from XXXXXX Junior High School found an unspent cartridge in a hallway within the school. We immediately “locked-down” the school and notified the XXXXX Police Department. Police officials are assisting staff members with a search of the premises. At this time, no one is allowed to come or leave the school to ensure the safety of students and staff members. Please leave your phone # and we can update you when more information is available.. Thanks for your call

April 20, 2007 Cycle 1, Blue Planet Interstellar Traveler, Unglip Reporting This is my fourth visit to the Blue Planet. I have not, in my three previous visits seen any remoflactions of intelligent life. It has been an entire solar cycle since I have been here. My initial reaction was one of disbelief. The bipedal beings are still using bio-toxins to power everything from their quad-rolling transports, to the increasing or decreasing of the temperature in their dwellings. They also continue to be preoccupied with holding radio transmitters to their auditory canals and communicating endlessly about Patussi-knows-what, in a loud manner. I have chosen to explore the warmer half of the planet. There were plenty of brain cell damaging beverages when I arrived at an outdoor gathering. The event I materialized into, featured several beings using amplified noise making devices and screaming into vocal amplifiers. They did this in a rhythmical pattern and it seemed to be appreciated by those wh...

Below is the first "Unglip" story, which predates this blog. ---------------------------------------------------------- August 26, 2004 Cycle 3, Blue Planet Interstellar Traveler, Unglip Reporting. I have been trying to blend in since arriving here. I do not have a rolling, transportation device or a portable, electronic unit to vocalize into while I walk or drive. I'm afraid it has caused me to stand out. During the previous cycle of the sun, I attempted to ride the long transport that picks these beings up on the corners of the rolling-surface. I got onboard, and I was looked at harshly and the operator vocalized and motioned toward a machine. I had seen someone put small metal disks into it, and I attempted to insert three domblecks into the slot. The machine would not accept them and I was (I'm assuming) told to leave the transport. I did not understand the vocalizations, but it sounded like, "dam-for-ener!" I proceeded to a sustenance depot, where I beg...

What does a coward look like? Just like what you see in the picture. Shooting unarmed people is not heroic by any stretch of the imagination. It takes an extreme coward. How sad that anyone could be so screwed-up. http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/17/vtech.shooting/index.html

I never cared much for Imus. Ironically, one of the biggest, self-proclaimed, political correctness gurus that I’ve ever known loves Imus, but that’s another story... I always saw Imus as a mumbling, grouchy old man. Still, even here in the “land of the easily offended,” I thought there was supposed to be “freedom of speech.” If Don Imus offends you, don’t watch or listen to him. This is your right, and it will soon affect his ratings when others join you. Once his ratings go low enough, his sponsors will pull his funding and he will go off the air. That said, he does have the right to say what he wants to, even if it is completely stupid, as were his comments about the Rutgers University, women’s basketball team, when he referred to them as “nappy-headed ho’s.” The TV news is filled with this moronic story today. Al Sharpton, get a life. Please everybody... just put this into perspective. No one died. It was completely stupid, what he said and also undeserving of anymore of our time. ...

Spring Break is nearly over! Where did the time go? I got a cold and so, had to cancel some visits. The weather was rainy, snowy at times, and windy. That made hiking difficult considering my usual places are flooding. A phone call yesterday informed me that a coworker died in a car accident out of state. Perhaps I need to put on my tall boots and go hiking anyway...

Once upon a time, there was a Beta fish on a shelf in a pet store. In the store in his tiny bowl, he ferociously swam at the other male Betas nearby. He swam so vigorously, that his new owner called him “Spaz,” and took him home. Spaz was the king of his new two-gallon bowl, and he was ready to protect it against any other male Betas who might try to invade his territory. Spaz grew up into a large, purple fish, who sometimes showed more blue or more red; and even a hint of green depending on the light. His fins grew long, and he was a large and most impressive looking fish. When he flared his gill covers to warn others to stay away, he looked quite fearsome. Then one day, Spaz saw another male Beta looking at him. Spaz approached cautiously, ready to defend his territory. When he got a good look at the other fish, he noticed that it was very large and had striking colors and long fins that looked like gauze skirts. For the first time ever, Spaz was unsure about rushing into a fight wit...

Yesterday I went hiking in the 8o degree Fahrenheit (26.67 degrees Celsius) heat. We got two feet of snow earlier in the month, and there was still a large patch of compressed snow at the edge of the woods near the swamp. I was hot, and walked out onto the snow to cool off. I was still hot. The sun was strong, and though I was surrounded by snow, it was still hot. How weird is that?

At the school district where I work, they are eliminating art from most of the elementary schools. How can you not have art for kids? This is the result of budget cuts. At a time when the USA should strive to become the economic superpower that it could/should be, employers are all cutting back and consumers are paying more than ever before for goods and services. Instead of being the world’s police force, America should fix the economy. Foreign wars are draining our wealth; unless of course, your income is tied to oil profits… The current administration is both funding a war and cutting taxes for the wealthy. That puts an extra burden on the local governments to tax more to make up for the shortage from the federal. Meanwhile, “bright boy” in the White House talks about, the “No-Child-Left-Behind” program like it is a lofty accomplishment. While Special Education continues to require more money from school districts, the rest of the students are now losing out on such programs as art,...

Cutris Makes Deal with Mexico March 22, 2007 UnAssociated Press It was reported today by inside sources who were found standing outside, that Cutris has just closed an important deal with Mexico. This deal would give Canada the right to buy oil from China, after it was pumped from wells in Brazil. Not much more is known about the deal, or if Cutris himself will profit from the revenues gained by Portugal. Australian sources seemed to indicate that Cutris would not make any monetary gains by the deal, but rather, he was simply settling a bet between Russia and Iran, as a favor to Pakistan.

After seeing an osprey while hiking last week, Cutris has taught himself to fly! Over the weekend, Cutris was seen flying around the 7-county metro area. When asked how he did it, Cutris denied that he had been flying, and said that he was just practicing his "Kung Fu" training.

In the olden days, before there were nights, there lived a prince named King. King the prince was in love with a beautiful girl named Slumina, who worked in the local sewage treatment facility just outside of town. King’s father, the Duke of Buttington did not approve of Slumina, and did all he could to discourage his son from romancing the girl. Unfortunately for the Duke, his son was smitten by Slumina and would not listen to reason. Then that guy named Stu came to town and started up a strip club. Slumina got a job at the club, and soon made enough money to start her own dog-walking business. Prince King married Slumina and they had two children, their son Hector, and daughter, Fall-Guy. The Duke of Buttington became a regular at Stu’s club, and spent his entire fortune there. Eventually, Stu became very rich and died of a drug overdose. The Duke of Buttington became a sorter at the sewage treatment facility outside of town. Slumina expanded her dog-walking business and became one o...

I see a reoccurring and disturbing trend with the students at the school where I work. It is something that I dealt with when I worked for the county government as well. Minority students are more and more, blaming their poor behavior on the racism of others. In this case, it is their teachers who are being called racists. The “race card,” as it has become known as, provides a certain amount of undeniable leverage in a dispute. Some minorities have learned this, and worse yet, they are now teaching it to their children. The seventh graders I work with would not know about such things if they hadn’t been taught about it. Bad behavior is bad behavior. Race is not the issue. In fact, the question should not be, “why are we disciplining minority students so frequently,” but rather, “why are certain groups more prone to behavior problems?” It should be noted that not all of the minority groups are overly represented in detention, and yes, there are more than one or two minority groups. So w...

After a "brown" Christmas, and a lack of snow and cold, we got the cold early in February and the snow late the same month. We all remember what winter is supposed to be like now.

Brittney Spears tries to be like CUTRIS February 21, 2007 UnAssociated Press While numerous “talking heads” are trying to figure out what happened to Brittney Spears, inside sources report that her bizarre behavior stems from her jealous desire to be like Cutris. Several years ago, Brittney came into possession of a cassette tape of EFS (Electric Frog Syrup Band) music, which came from Cutris’ (AKA Kevin J. Curtis) band. The tape came from drummer Pete, who gave it to some guy named Jeff, who gave it to several more people until it ended up with Brittney Spears. Brittney heard the tape, which was described as being a “crappy boom-box recording,” and she found herself longing to play/sing real music. When she found out who Cutris was, she soon began imitating him. This jealous rivalry peaked lately, when she decided to cut her hair off so that she could look more like Cutris. “The kids in detention at the school where he works call him ‘The Bald Eagle.’ That’s so cool!!!” said Brittn...

Anna Nicole Smith, we are so sick of hearing about you. She was famous for using sex, (i.e. Playboy, marrying a really old tycoon, etc.) to become rich and famous. It is likely that she overdosed on Methadone (like her son did), which is a powerful drug used to counteract the effects of heroin addiction. I learned about Methadone while working for the Hennepin County Chemical Health Division. Heroin is a short acting drug that mimics brain chemicals. Addicts use it and they get high. Then when they come down, they get sick. Methadone is actually quite powerful and more addictive than heroin. It is used to stabilize heroin addicts. Because it is long acting, a person only needs to dose once per day. A physician monitors the dose so the patient is stabilizing, rather than getting high. In the wrong hands, this drug can be lethal. Even now, there are at least half-a-dozen men claiming to be the father of Smith’s baby. What an embarrassing crowd to be part of! There is also a fight over he...

During the halftime show of Superbowl XLI, Prince played his guitar behind a curtain, producing a silhouette that appeared to look like a two-headed penis. CBS and the NFL were both adamant that this was purely accidental, and Prince does not have a penis, let alone a two-headed one.

People often ask me about animals and nature. Recently I was presented with the question of whether or not a groundhog (or woodchuck, or marmot) can actually predict if there is going to be an early spring or not. My answer is, "probably." That said, why would the groundhog care about telling us? I think they might be inclined to give us "misinformation."

A small balm, possibly a Chapstick, was found on a local street today. Police were called to investigate the balm, and citizens in the area were evacuated for their own protection in case the balm might explode. The bomb squad was dispatched, but upon arrival refused to defuse the balm, because it wasn’t a bomb. Several seconds passed, before local citizen, Cutris arrived on the scene. After pulling a tissue from his pocket, he picked up the balm and deposited it into a nearby trash receptacle, thus saving the day. Cutris was unavailable for comment, as he was heading home to do some baking.

January 24, 2007 President George W. Bush, I listened to your State of the Union Speech last evening. Some of it was what we were waiting for, like alternative energy. Some of it was misinformation, like Iraq. In the end, I regret to tell you that I don’t believe you. Sincerely, Kevin J. Curtis